


Awakening

by btstarjk



Category: Buzz (Korea Band), Super Junior, 아는 형님 | Knowing Bros | Ask Us Anything
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn, ask us anything, heechul is also bi, heesam, knowing bros - Freeform, kyungchul, kyunghoon realises he is bisexual, very mild smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-05-25 21:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14986157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/btstarjk/pseuds/btstarjk
Summary: When Kyunghoon started working with Heechul he expected nothing more than to gain a casual acquaintance. Little did he know the world's biggest star would leave a much bigger impact, and cause him to awaken a whole new side of himself he had yet to discover.





	1. Skirts and Pigtails

A pale pink skirt softly draped over even paler thighs, slightly too short to be comfortable but pretty nonetheless. A plain white shirt covered by a grey vest, fitted enough to show off the slim figure beneath it. A soft pink blush lightly brushed over already flushed cheeks. Kyunghoon stared at his reflection in the mirror and wondered what type of strange turn his life must have taken for him to end up here, dressed as a school girl and preparing himself to appear like this on national television. His stylist chuckled to herself as she attached a white pompom to one of his pigtails, and he couldn’t help but wonder what the Min Kyunghoon of ten years ago would say if he could see his future self. The old Kyunghoon was much quieter and altogether more cool, a true rockstar of his time, praised for his vocals and looks by men and women alike. But even back then he had a few strange charms and an all too frequent habit of speaking without thinking first – perhaps he was destined to end up in this position after all. 

“There you go Kyunghoon,” she laughed lightly, tapping his shoulder, “I think it suits you!” He could feel the tell-tale blush of embarrasment creeping up his face, and covered it with his hands. He could only laugh. Just then the door of the waiting room opened and a familiar face leaned into the room. Kyunghoon swivelled around in his chair, facing away from the mirror in front of him and instead towards the entrance at the opposite side of the room.

“Woah... Heechul...” was all he could manage, looking at the man in front of him in disbelief.

“Actually that’s Heemi unnie to you!” Heechul winked, almost skipping into the room, making it obvious just how much he was already enjoying the theme of this week’s episode. He sat down on the grey sofa against the back wall, facing the chair where Kyunghoon was seated. He crossed his legs in a lady-like manner and brushed the hair of his long, dark wig behind his shoulders. They stared at each other for a moment in silence, both examining the other’s outfits, before simulatneously bursting out laughing. 

“Yah, hyung, you actually look really pretty,” Kyunghoon managed to say in between fits of laughter.

“Hey! What do you mean? I’ve always been pretty!” Heechul exclaimed, looking serious for a moment, before laughing uncontrollably once again. 

Heechul’s looks weren’t something Kyunghoon had paid particular attention to over the years, instead choosing to focus on girl groups and the few long-term girlfriends he’d had. But Heechul never let anyone around him forget just how attractive he was apparently considered to be, and who was Kyunghoon to disagree with him? Kyunghoon himself had always been attractive too, of course. His perfect skin, delicate features and tall, slim build blessed him with a sort of prince-like quality, one which could be described as equal parts pretty and handsome. In this situation however, his facial hair which could never be removed for longer than a couple of hours, prevented him from pulling off looking like a woman with quite the same level of perfection as Heechul. Just as they managed to calm their laughter, Kang Hodong himself strode into the room, pouting with his hands beneath his chin in a vain attempt to look cute, and that was all it took to set them off laughing again.

“Yah, you two, stop laughing,” he shouted across the room, “you two look just as ridiculous as I do.”

“You must be joking hyung,” Heechul replied with sincere confidence, “we’re both prettier than half of the IOI members, isn’t that right Kyunghoon?”

But Kyunghoon didn’t reply, suddenly feeling embarrased he let out a light chuckle and sat forward, fidgeting with the back of his skirt whilst looking at the floor. After a moment he looked up again at Heechul who was continuing to bicker with their eldest hyung. He took a little more time just watching, and was still slightly dumfounded by just how convincing Heechul looked as a girl group member. He scoffed at the thought, and shook his head, standing up and heading towards Hodong who was still stood in the doorway. 

“You coming Heemi?” he asked Heechul over his shoulder. Heechul jumped up out of his seat, walking towards Kyunghoon and linking arms with him, which again made Kyunghoon blush slightly. He wasn’t particularly close to Heechul yet, despite the on screen ‘bromance’ between them that the producers where trying to encourage. They’d only crossed paths a handful of times over the years and most of those were back when Buzz were at their most popular, whilst Super Junior were still considered rookies. In other words, they’d never had the opportunity to become friends. However this didn’t stop Heechul from frequently trying to hold his hand, place his arm around him or touch him in some other friendly manner. He assumed that Heechul must simply enjoy skinship and use it as a way to get closer to people, and in all honesty Kyunghoon was indifferent to it, it just surprised him. 

He felt that same surprise again an hour later after he had fallen to the ground in embarrasment during their ‘dance battle’ segment, and he felt Heechul’s hand lightly smack his ass whilst he encouraged him to stand up. Kyunghoon’s face was beetroot, and he failed in covering it with his hands before Heechul grabbed both of his wrists, shouting to everyone to look at how embarrased he was. Kyunghoon had been made to dance, which is entertaining enough in itself, but he suddenly found himself surrounded by the young members of IOI and he just couldn’t take the attention. He practically ran to the corner of the room, his embarrasment all too evident in his bright pink cheeks. That was one thing he always disliked about himself, his inability to hide his true feelings – at least in this instance it provided some quality entertainment for the viewers. 

In large group episodes like this Kyunghoon often found himself left out of the action unless he was specifically called upon to join in. Maybe he’d become more confident eventually, but he hadn’t quite developed the right chemistry with his hyungs yet, and after all he was an introvert at heart. Standing alone at the back, unobserved, gave him some time to relax and watch what was going on in the room. They had set up a pillowfight on top of a balance beam where the MCs and guests would be paired up and try to knock each other off, either with genuine strenghth or in the most humourous way possible. His eyes would normally be drawn to the female guests, but in this case most of the IOI girls were still kids, so instead he kept scanning. He watched Hodong dissing the other hyungs in a voice louder than could ever be considered necessary, Youngchul who was quietly encouraging the girls to get involved and enjoy themselves, and Janghoon who was simply enjoying the view he accessed by towering over everyone else in the room. At last he found Heechul, who at that moment was making his way up to the beam. Kyunghoon paused for a moment, not really thinking of anything, just taking in the sight before him. 

Heechul’s legs were longer and more slender than they appeared when covered by the baggy tracksuits he usually chose to wear, he had pretty ankles too, and his calves and thighs were both toned just enough to show slight muscle definition when he moved. His waist was well defined, even beneath the school clothes he was wearing and his shoulders, although narrow, were in perfect proportion to the rest of his lithe physique. His pretty and delicate fingers gripped the pillow in his hands as he sat down opposite his opponent, and Kyunghoon was suddenly reminded of the sweet, yet floral scent they usually exuded, owing to Heechul’s favourite handcream. The way the light fell onto Heechul from above only enhanced the features of his face. Despite being covered in makeup thicker than usual, it was obvious that his soft skin was glowing, his high cheeckbones catching the light and emphasising his delicate bone structure. His wide eyes glimmered with genuine excitement as he began to fight his opponent. His jawline was sharp and became further accentuated as he clenched his teeth with determination. And lastly his lips, which were coloured a beautiful rosy pink, stretched to form a wide smile as he swung his pillow through the air. For some unknown reason Kyunghoon couldn’t take his eyes off his hyung. He really was pretty, but there was also something different about him that made his beauty unique. Kyunghoon was enjoying admiring him silently from across the room, and admiring him made him feel... nice? That was the only way he could describe it. He was brought back to reality when Heechul suddenly came striding towards him, panting after being knocked off the beam.

“Ahhh that was hard work,” he sighed, suddenly draping himself over Kyunghoon’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around him and resting all of his weight upon him. Kyunghoon stiffened, not sure how to react at the sudden intrusion into his personal space, but his body relaxed and he let Heechul sink into his arms for a moment. Heechul pulled back then, taking a moment to run his hands down Kyunghoon’s arms as he shifted his weight back onto his own legs, before smiling gently and turning around to join in with the group once more. Kyunghoon stared after him, slightly confused by their short interaction, but again, he felt a little warmer after feeling someone elses body pressed against his own. It’s not as though he had experienced much skinship recently; he hadn’t had a girlfriend in over a year and even before the breakup, their relationship had been rocky for a couple of months. He wasn’t one to go out of his way to touch strangers or casual acquaitances, but with people he felt a genuine connection to, skinship was one of Kyunghoon’s favourite things in the world. He loved to be cuddled whilst watching TV or have someone sat in his lap whilst he played his favourite video game, and of course he loved sex too, when it was with the right person. As he considered this, Kyunghoon suddenly felt a little thankful for Heechul’s appearance in his life. He may not be a girlfriend, but at leat he could offer some kind of physical contact, and perhaps they would even become close friends one day.

As the epsiode was supposed to be a humorous take on Produce 101 they of course had to end with a segment demonstrating the skills of an idol. If it had just been a case of singing a chosen ballad Kyunghoon would have been more than comfortable to demonstrate his abilities, but yet again it just had to include dancing. Assinged to three groups they went their separate ways and prepared a ‘routine’, if you could call it that, in Kyunghoon’s case using his own song ‘Coward’. He had been red in the face with embarrasment almost constantly throughout the eight hours of filming, and this was likey only to make matters worse. The one thing making him feel a little better is that the brothers had all agreed beforehand not to take the challenge too seriously, after all, their job was to entertain the viewers, not prove that they were cut out to be idols. 

It quickly became obvious however that the groups had a different idea of what taking things seriously actually meant; whilst Kyunghoon’s group put together a messy set of movements that enabled them to fully make fools of themselves, Heechul and Hodong decided to put in a little more effort. As they took to the stage for their performance of SNSD’s ‘Genie’, Kyunghoon’s eyes were once again drawn to Heechul. His hair was now fixed above his head in a neat top knot, showing off his elegant neckline. Kyunghoon was immediately reminded of an ex-girlfriend he once had with a similarly long and pale neck. He loved the smell of the floral perfume she used to wear and would often hug her from behind, burrying his face in the crook of her neck just so he could inhale her scent. He equally enjoyed leaving hickeys all the way down it while she whined his name, pinned down and writhing beneath him in their bedsheets, and the contrast of the red and purple blotches against her white skin the morning after. Suddenly the music started, and Kyunghoon snapped out of the indecent scene that was being replayed in his head. He sat up straighter and fidgeted in his seat as he turned his attention to what was going on in front of him. He shook his head, firstly in embarasment at what he’d just been imagining, but also in confusion as to why his mind had wandered there at all.   
Watching the group’s performance, he was shocked by just how in sync they were. From the IOI girls it was to be expected, and Hodong wasn’t bad, if a little less precise than the others. Heechul however was a sight to behold. From his accurate arm positions to the fluid motion of his hips, it was fascinating to watch, particularly from the perspective of someone who had never paid attention to the dancing ability of a male idol before. On top of this he pulled it off with a particular charm and charisma that only Heechul was capable of, and by the time he had made his way to the centre to seductively bite at his finger whilst swinging his hips, Kyunhoon’s dimples had well and truly made an appearance. Once again Kyunghoon wasn’t sure why he was enjoying watching this quite as much as he was, it wasn’t as if their performance was funny, it was just impressive. Perhaps he was envious of the way Heechul could move his body so effortlessly, or his ability to captivate an audience, or how good his legs looked in that skirt.

After their shoot finally ended Kyunghoon was looking forward to going home and spending some well deserved time alone, but he was called back to the waiting room to interview the IOI members for an online video.

“Remind me again why I have to do this?” he asked one of the producers, sighing as he collapsed into one of the available chairs in the room.

“Becuase,” he replied, “our show isn’t as popular as it could be. We still need an extra push to increase the ratings, and seeing as most IOI fans are young people who spend a lot of time online, an exlusive video will be a great way to drum up some attention.”

Kyunghoon nodded, and began to flick through the cue cards he had been handed. Just then Heechul entered the room and found himself a seat next to Kyunghoon, collapsing onto it with a similar sigh. He immediately reached across the space between them and held Kyunghoon’s wrist, stroking his thumb across it gently as he lay his head back for a moment and closed his eyes. Kyunghoon chuckled to himself and turned his head to look at his hyung, noticing that other than a couple of patches where his makeup needed touching up, he looked no different from that morning. He looked down at his wrist which was still between Heechul’s soft fingers, and smiled to himself, just enjoying the brief moment of calm and the warmth of another hand against his skin. The silence was broken after a few moments by the IOI girls running into the room, and both men sat up in their seats, too distracted by the loud voices of the girls to feel disappointed at being interrupted. 

Kyunghoon asked a few basic questions about the girls’ experience filming the episode, and blushed every time he was interrupted by one of them squealing “ah Ssamja is so cute!” – which happened several times. He only became further embarrassed when one of them pointed out he was sitting with his legs spread too far apart. It wasn’t this fact alone which caused his face to flush; he was wearing shorts under the skirt so as to ensure he wouldn’t expose himself, but the fact that Heechul took it upon himself to reach across and tuck the skirt in for him, his hand gently brushing the skin of his inner thighs, dangerously close to his crotch. Kyunghoon’s body gave an involuntary flinch and his eyes widened slightly despite his attempt not to react in front of the camera. The moment only lasted mere seconds but Kyunghoon felt as though he’d just been caught in a compromising position. It was quite obviously blown out of proportion in his own head, as he felt astounded that none of the girls seemed to have noticed Heechul’s action, and Heechul himself simply sat back in his chair as though nothing had happened. Kyunghoon’s face was burning and his heart rate had jumped considerably. He was slightly panicked by the way his body reacted and kept stealing glances at Heechul whilst the girls laughed amongst themsleves in an attempt to process what had just happened. He figured it must simply be the fact that he’d never had a man touch him like that before, as well as the fact that it came out of nowhere, and tried to push the weird feeling he was experiencing to the back of his mind. 

The interview continued with just as much skinship, including Heechul declaring himself to be Kyunghoon’s wife and kissing him gently on the cheek, causing Kyunghoon to giggle and blush once more, the feeling of Heechul’s lips remaining on his skin for much longer than it should have. By the end of it all Kyunghoon was worn out, and quickly went to the bathroom to change into the shorts and plain white tshirt he felt most comfortable in, happy to finally be leaving the studio. He washed his hands and took a moment to examine his reflection in the mirror above the sink. The feminine makeup he was still wearing looked out of place with his casual clothing and the stubble now showing more prominently through his foundation. He chuckled to himself, and was about to look down to turn off the tap when he noticed a glossy pink stain on his right cheek – the stain of a lip print to be exact. He reached up and touched it gently, feeling the stickiness of the lipgloss even beneath his wet fingers. He remembered Heechul calling him ‘honey’ and the light press of his lips, and suddenly felt in an even better mood. 

He exited the bathroom to collect his belongings from the waiting room, so busy smiling to himself whilst looking at the floor that he almost bumped into Heechul who was heading down the hallway in the opposite direction.

“Yah Kyunghoonie! Watch where you’re going!” he laughed, placing a hand on Kyunghoon’s arm to steady himself after their near-collision.

Kyunghoonie. He liked that.

“Sorry hyung I’m just a little tired, can’t wait to go home, wash all of this makeup off and grab something to eat.”

“I think you should consider leaving it on Kyunghoonie,” Heechul replied. He leaned closer, looking Kyunghoon directly in the eyes, “you look pretty like this.”

He stepped back and smiled sweetly, before walking towards the exit of the building, humming a Twice song as he went. Kyunghoon turned to watch him leave, that familiar blush rising up his face once again. All he could do was stand still for a moment and wonder what exactly had been making him feel so embarrassed all day. He hardly knew Heechul but seemed to already feel a connection with him, which was strange considering how difficult he normally found making friends. Regardless, he felt the happiest he had felt in a while, and decided not to dwell on the subject any longer, instead choosing to turn towards the exit of the building, a slight smile still lingering on his face.


	2. Impulses and Realisations

One thing that irritated Kyunghoon is the fact that his body had the uncanny ability to act without a prior response from his brain, or at least that’s how it felt. This was what made him abruptly pull away from his first kiss, leaving his girlfriend red with embarrassment, what made him throw his computer mouse off the wall in frustration and break it in two, and what led to him being patched up in hospital with a black eye and two broken ribs, unable to perform at their concert scheduled for the next day.

It was 2005, and Buzz were out celebrating after their first music show win with ‘Coward’. They made the usual choice of having chicken and beer, before heading to a bar to drink soju until the early hours. A couple of bottles in and the room was starting to spin, Kyunghoon had reluctantly taken pictures with a few guys and girls who had seen them in the bar and hadn’t been able to contain their excitement, then he managed to find himself a chair slightly hidden from view where he could nurse his drink in peace. He felt content.

Suddenly he heard shouting and a rather loud bang from across the other side of the bar. He leaned forwards to allow him to see what was going on and was shocked to see Junki squaring up to a guy who was red in the face, and clearly so angry he was about to start swinging. To this day nobody in the band could quite remember why the fight started – something to do with a few snide comments about them being pretty boys and ‘a knock off version of Muse’. The older guy lunged at the guitarist, clearly drunk but his aim wasn’t too far off, and Junki who was hardly accustomed to fighting simply ducked, a look of sheer panic on his face. Now Kyunghoon was drunk too, but that wasn’t going to stop his instincts from kicking in to help his friend. In a matter of seconds he had downed the rest of his glass, practically jumped over the table and run to the other side of the bar. He pushed Junki aside roughly to make space and without warning, roundhouse kicked the guy square in the chest. The bar erupted in a mix of cheers and gasps. The rest of the Buzz members however simply rolled their eyes and began to stand up; despite what drunken Kyunghoon thought, this wasn’t a music video, but in typical Buzz fashion he was about to get his ass handed to him.

Sure enough the guy stood up straight, a whole 190cm to be exact, and probably double Kyunghoon’s weight. He let out an exasperated growl before smacking Kyunghoon straight in the jaw, sending him flying backwards onto the floor. He got on top of him, delivering another sharp blow to his face as well as several to his chest and stomach. Kyunghoon was curled up in the fetal position at this point, wincing in pain and unable to fight back. It was only then that the bartenders came and pulled them apart, kicking the other guy out of the bar and dragging Kyunghoon onto the nearest seat to check him over.

He was still conscious, but obviously in a lot of pain, for which the members thought the best solution was more soju. Kyunghoon sipped at it, unable to really speak, but his ears turned red at the sight of almost everyone in the bar staring at him. Thank God there were no more than fifteen people, otherwise dispatch would have undoubtedly been all over him too. He chuckled to himself before sighing in pain, which only made him laugh again. All of the members were drunk but didn’t think Kyunghoon’s injuries were serious enough to warrant calling an ambulance. Luckily there was a sober bartender just about to leave for the evening (he also happened to be a fan) who was more than happy to drive them to the nearest hospital. That’s how Kyunghoon found himself sat on a hospital bed, with Sunghee sat by his side and the other members in a separate waiting room around the corner.

“Well Kyunghoon,” started the doctor, giving him a final examination, “you’ll need to keep putting ice on that black eye of yours, and as for the fractured ribs you’ll have to wait for them to heal on their own. I imagine you’ll still be able to sing but it depends if you can endure the pain, and please, no more strenuous activity for at least six weeks. Now, I’ll give you a few minutes to get your things together and you’ll be free to go. Please don’t drive after taking morphine, I imagine one of your members can drive you home, or just call a taxi.” Kyunghoon nodded politely, slightly dazed from the medication and watched in silence as the doctor left the room.

“Kyunghoon-ah,” Sunghee sighed, taking hold of his hand gently, “you really need to stop being so reckless, one of these days you’re going to get yourself into serious trouble!”

“I know, I know hyung,” he sighed, head sinking further into the pillow beneath his head, “I just... react sometimes, it’s like my body is 10 seconds ahead of my brain or something...” he trailed off, face screwed up in pain once again.

“That’s not possible Kyunghoon, it’s just called being impulsive.” They both laughed at that.

His impulsive behaviour was something Kyunghoon had learned to accept and (sometimes) control over the years. But that didn’t mean he was now immune to ending up in uncomfortable situations as a result of his emotions. Take today for example, exactly eleven years later he found himself lying on the floor of the Knowing Bros set, head stuffed under a cardboard box, face mere centimetres from Heechul’s and entirely unable to breathe. 

Kyunghoon had been feeling particularly impulsive in general that episode and he had no idea why. Perhaps it was the fact that he finally felt completely comfortable around his hyungs so no longer had to hold back on his reactions. Perhaps it was the fact that it was obvious from the moment she walked in the door that Somin had a particular soft spot for Kyunghoon which undoubtedly boosted his confidence. Or perhaps it was the fact that he had subconsciously developed the desire to be closer to Heechul and to gain his approval by any means necessary, not that he knew why of course.

Over the past few weeks Kyunghoon had begun to think about Heechul more and more frequently. He would sit at home playing computer games and zone out, wondering where his hyung was and what he was doing. He would find himself laughing, as a joke Heechul had told during the previous recording popped into his head. He would remember the feeling of Heechul’s hand in his as he fell asleep at night, alone in his parents’ spare room. He felt lucky to have made a friend who he felt such a connection to so early on in their relationship. 

This sudden interest wasn’t helped by the fact the fact that the producers had taken it upon themselves to push for a ‘bromance’ between the two of them, zooming in every time they held hands, sitting them next to one another and telling them before the show to make sure to stick up for each other if the teasing got out of hand. This was bound to increase the ratings, Kyunghoon knew that, but it was also leading him to over-think every interaction. A few weeks before, Sunny had guested on the show and had taken it upon herself (with the producers’ consent), to push Kyunghoon and Heechul into a skit together where they played a newly engaged gay couple, something Kyunghoon found hilarious. He enjoyed improvisation given that saying whatever came into his head was already a speciality of his, plus he was close to Heechul so didn’t see the harm in playing up to the role as much as possible. Heechul however had looked somewhat uncomfortable, and didn’t seem to enjoy holding Kyunghoon’s hand as much as he did during any other episode. Kyunghoon wasn’t sure why it bothered him so much, the natural explanation was that Heechul is an idol and given his history of being rumoured to be gay, he was worried fans would read into it too much and assume things that weren’t true. But that didn’t satisfy Kyunghoon, he couldn’t help but feel like he’d done something wrong. He didn’t know how to bring it up however, so he simply kept replaying the skit over and over in his head, and vowed to tone things down next time.

That had worked for a few episodes, but ‘toning things down’ isn’t easy when you’re as impulsive as Kyunghoon. He’d already pushed the boundaries a little during this week’s recording by making a bra out of paper cups for Somin, something he found hysterical, but everyone else a little less so, and the episode was only set to continue that way. Sangmin had rather ingeniously made a ‘cinema’ out of a cardboard box which required two people to lie down with their heads beneath it, a mobile phone balanced on top which would show the film. After taking her turn beneath it with Sangmin, Somin declared that it ‘makes love blossom’, so of course the only logical thing for the producers to do was usher Kyunghoon and Heechul to the front to try it out for themselves, accompanied by a chorus of “hold hands!” from the rest of the cast.

Kyunghoon sat down on the floor and shuffled closer to Heechul so that their sides were touching. They held hands as instructed and simultaneously giggled as they placed their heads under the box. They were still for a moment, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Kyunghoon got the overwhelming urge to be closer to the man next to him. He rolled onto his side, placing one leg around Heechul’s waist and a hand on top of his chest. It felt completely natural, and their bodies fit together like a jigsaw. However it was only a split second later that Kyunghoon’s brain caught up with his body, and he froze in complete shock at what he had just done. He was completely unaware of the exclamations of the cast watching them; all he could feel was Heechul. The perfect fit of Heechul’s slim waist between his legs, the surprisingly firm chest beneath his hand and the slow, calming heartbeat beneath it, his warmth, and the light, flowery scent he radiated. Just then Heechul placed his hand above Kyunghoon’s, gently caressing his fingers, and they turned to look at each other beneath the box. Through the small slit in the cardboard there wasn’t much that could be seen but Kyunghoon swore he could see Heechul smirk at him. His breath caught in his throat and his heart rate shot up, along with the saturation of the red tone now covering his entire face and ears. Time seemed to freeze as Kyunghoon’s head filled with one overwhelming thought – what have I done? Luckily they were swiftly interrupted by Soogeun drenching them in water, something quite apt given just how warm Kyunghoon was suddenly feeling. Everyone was doubled over laughing and, with brain and body now back in sync, Kyunghoon took the opportunity to distract everyone from what had just happened by chasing Soogeun furiously around the room. 

The rest of the episode passed in a blur and it wasn’t long before Kyunghoon was back in the waiting room, getting ready to return to the comfort of his home. It was taking him longer than it should have though, to pack up a few belongings; he was distracted, he didn’t feel himself. He felt his head spinning and had to sit down for a moment. He studied his reflection in the mirror. His face still appeared slightly pink almost two hours later. He sat back in his chair and went through his usual ritual of running the recording over and over in his mind. It wasn’t how the whole scene had appeared to everyone else which was bothering him. It was funny and fit with their whole ‘bromance’ image, plus they had hardly gone too far given their 11pm time slot. No, what worried him is why he’d acted that way in the first place. Why did he want to be so close to Heechul? And why did it make him feel so shaken up?

Just then the man in question came waltzing into the room, strutting with that confident not-giving-a-shit walk that only Heechul has. Kyunghoon just turned around to stare at him, unsure of what he would say, or if in fact he should start a conversation first. He didn’t have to worry about that however, as Heechul broke the silence by asking a question.

“Kyunghoon-ah, have you seen my phone anywhere? I definitely brought it with me this morning but now I can’t find it,” he said, frowning and looking quickly around the room.

“Sorry hyung, I haven’t,” Kyunghoon replied cautiously, “I’ll definitely keep an eye out for you though.”

“Ah well, never mind then.” Heechul shrugged and turned to leave the room, allowing Kyunghoon to breathe a little slower, however, he stopped just as he reached the door. “That was fairly bold of you today Kyunghoon-ah, I’m impressed,” he said with a smirk.

“W-what do you mean hyung?” Kyunghoon stuttered, suddenly unable to breathe. Of course, he knew fine well what Heechul was referring to.

“You know,” replied Heechul, walking a little closer, and continuing to smirk at the man sat in front of him, “what you did when we were under the box together.”

“Ah sorry hyung,” Kyunghoon looked down sheepishly and began wringing his hands together, “I just thought it would be funny that’s all, I didn’t mean to take it too far or make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Kyunghoon what are you talking about?” he laughed softly, “I just said I was impressed, you’re right it was funny, the viewers will love it. Plus, why would I of all people be uncomfortable during that?”

What was that supposed to mean?

Heechul swiftly said goodbye and exited the room. Kyunghoon sat back in his chair, not realising he had sat forward in the first place. He let out a deep breath and placed his hand upon his chest. He felt his own heart beating rapidly beneath it, and as he paused for a moment to consider what was going on inside his body, he was hit with a surge of realisation. Was he attracted to Heechul?

He suddenly felt fifty emotions all at the same time and his eyes began to fill with tears, not out of disgust or sadness but sheer confusion and panic. He’d never been attracted to a guy before, he had no problem with it but it made absolutely no sense in his own mind. Was it possible to get to age thirty two and suddenly realise you aren’t straight? Plus, things felt different with Heechul – he wasn’t turned on by him so to speak, at least not in the way he was by beautiful women. And he didn’t want to kiss him... or maybe he did? This was all too much for Kyunghoon to take, he simply put his head in his hands and began taking deep breaths, counting as he went, a technique he’d used to get over stage fright back when he’d first debuted.

This wasn’t fear though. A few deep breaths weren’t going to make this feeling go away. Although he knew that he would have to think about it at some point, Kyunghoon was too tired to consider this new development any further. He couldn’t let his feelings get in the way of his professional life, so this would just have to be an impulse he would learn to control. 

But then he remembered Heechul’s smile, and his eyes, and his voice, and he was falling all over again. He couldn’t let himself fall, even if he could figure out what all of this meant, it could ruin his friendship, it could ruin his career. Besides, Heechul was straight, he’d told everyone that a thousand times. Kyunghoon didn’t know what to do, he just knew he had to get out of the studio which suddenly felt too hot and cramped for him to stand. 

He sought comfort in his mother’s cooking and his soft double bed. That would have to be enough, for now.


	3. Meeting Point

***2005, backstage at SBS Inkigayo ***

Heechul could hear an argument going on in hushed voices outside of his dressing room.

“I’m not waking him up, he’ll probably hit me!”  
“Well I’m not doing it!”  
“You should, you’re the oldest!”  
“That doesn’t mean anything! He has a soft spot for you and you know it, you’re probably the only one he won’t strangle to death for waking him.”  
“Leeteuk has a point Donghae.”

The truth was that Heechul wasn’t actually asleep at all. Despite having not slept in almost 48 hours he just couldn’t switch off his brain. He was simply hiding in one of Super Junior’s assigned dressing rooms with the lights off in the hopes that everyone would leave him alone. With the ridiculous number of schedules he’d had that week, Inkigayo was the last place on Earth he wanted to be, and he was sure the only way he’d make it through without attacking someone was if he could be left in peace until just before their performance. Luckily he’d built up enough of a reputation to make the members and staff somewhat fear him, and thus he had been left to his own devices for the morning, until now.

A cute but timid looking Donghae was thrust in the door by the other members, who quickly ran away to their other dressing room, leaving him to face Heechul alone. Heechul tilted his head forward slightly on the dark leather sofa where he was lying and opened one eye, Donghae stared at him, the only light coming in from the doorway leading out into the busy corridor. He reached for the light switch and cautiously flipped it, causing Heechul to groan and cover his eyes, sinking further into the sofa.

“What do you want Donghae?” he said irritably, “I told you all to leave me alone.”  
“Sorry hyung, “ Donghae replied softly, “but we really need to start getting ready now, we only have about forty minutes until we perform. Plus if you get ready early we can go and watch Buzz beforehand!”  
“Why would I want to watch Buzz? You know I only like girl groups.”

This was evidently false given just how often Heechul would play Sechskies at full volume in their dorm.

“Yeah whatever hyung, you’re going to want to watch them. I overheard their soundcheck earlier, their new song is amazing.”  
“Fine Donghae, if it will get you off my back I’ll come and watch Buzz with you,” Heechul sighed, sitting up on the sofa, “now leave me alone to make myself beautiful.”  
“Okay,” shrugged Donghae, turning towards the door.  
“Yah! Donghae-ah! What are you supposed to reply to that?”  
Donghae rolled his eyes; “you’re always beautiful hyung.”

Heechul laughed smugly as his dongsaeng left the room and shouted out into the corridor for one of his stylists to come and get to work. He was already wearing his performance outfit, a ghastly (but 2005 appropriate) combination of flared jeans, a sequined black shirt with a wide collar and a black and white blazer. He knew he looked good in it, but then again he was pretty enough to pull off just about anything. His minimal makeup only needed a quick touch up and his stylist made fast work of flicking out the multiple layers of his auburn hair. It wasn’t long before Donghae returned and dragged Heechul out of the dressing room towards the backstage door.

Heechul did like Buzz if he was being honest, most of the country did. He just wasn’t obsessed with them to the same extent as some of his other members. He didn’t really have any particular desire to watch them perform live but it wasn’t like he had anything better to do, and this would at least mean he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone for the last ten minutes before Super Junior’s stage. As they walked down the hallway passing several other senior groups and rookies, Heechul did nothing but meet their eyes with an arrogant stare, unlike Donghae who was bowing politely with almost every step. By the time they reached the darkness of the side of the stage the piano chords of the song had already started playing and a soft voice could faintly be heard above them.

“What’s their new song called?” Heechul whispered, as they pushed their way past the sound technicians and producers to find a spot where they could view the stage.  
“Coward I think,” Donghae replied, coming to a stop just far enough back that the audience wouldn’t be able to see them.

Just then Buzz reached the chorus of the song and Heechul’s eyes widened as he finally focused on the stage, feeling goosebumps involuntarily cover his entire body. The instrumental arrangement of the song was beautiful, but this was a song designed to allow the audience to focus all their attention on the vocals, which is exactly what Heechul was doing right at that moment. Heechul knew little of Kyunghoon other than that he had a decent voice and was widely considered to be fairly attractive. But he wasn’t just pretty, Heechul thought to himself, he was mesmerising. His voice was soft, yet there was a certain power behind it that allowed him to hit each note with perfect clarity, and the vibrato which he had become known for only served to make an already emotional song even more intense. Then there was his incredibly slim build which made his long legs appear even longer, his pale skin which even under the bright studio lights had not a single blemish, his dark, shiny hair cut into thick bangs which framed his delicate features, and lastly his lips which were tinted a reddish-pink, and occasionally formed a small pout as he progressed through the lyrics of the song. Just then the chorus ended and the crowd erupted into cheers. Kyunghoon looked down modestly and gave a quick smile, showing the world his deep dimples, before continuing with the next verse. Heechul’s own face had unknowingly formed a matching grin as he watched the singer perform, and a feeling of pure awe washed over him. In that moment everything about Kyunghoon seemed pure perfection; his voice, his cute smile, the way his eyes sparkled under the stage lights. 

Heechul only had time to be lost in all things Kyunghoon for a moment however, as he was soon being physically dragged away from the stage to get ready for their performance. It went as well as could be expected for a rookie group, and Heechul enjoyed the thrill of having hundreds of teenage girls screaming after him, but the adrenaline quickly faded and he found himself in need of a lie down once again. He was sat on the sofa of the waiting room cooling off, surrounded by Donghae, Eunhyuk, Leeteuk, Yesung and Siwon (the other members were in a separate dressing room) when they heard a soft knock at the door. The boys looked at each other in confusion for a moment, before Leeteuk stood up and opened the door, revealing none other than Buzz standing on the other side. Heechul sat up a little straighter and felt his heart almost jump out of his chest.

“Oh hello,” said Leeteuk, still holding onto the door handle and bowing politely. The Buzz members did the same in response.  
“I’m Yejoon,” said the man closest to Leeteuk with a friendly smile, “and this is Junki, Sunghee, Woohyun and Kyunghoon,” he continued, gesturing to each of the members in turn.  
“It’s nice to meet you,” replied Leeteuk, stepping back against the door to allow the other Super Junior members sat inside to bow their heads.  
“Can I help you with something?”asked Leeteuk.  
“Not really, we just like to say hi to new rookie groups that we come across backstage. We don’t see the point in being unapproachable seniors, especially if there’s a chance that a group will hit it big and we’ll keep bumping into them for years.”  
“Do you think that applies to us?” Yesung suddenly chimed in, a cheeky grin on his face, and the Buzz members laughed.  
“Honestly the idol business is brutal so who really knows?” replied Junki, “but we watched you perform and really enjoyed your song, the choreography especially was really great.” The members replied with a chorus of “thank you”.  
“Heechul hyung and I watched your performance too, we thought it the arrangement was amazing and the vocals were great too, isn’t that right Heechul?” Donghae said with undeniable excitement in his voice.  
“Er... yeah it was great, it’s a really powerful song,” Heechul stuttered, much less comfortable than normal. Kyunghoon gave a genuine smile and stared down at his feet for a moment before quietly mumbling a thank you from the doorway. He was stood towards the back of the group and it was obvious judging by his slumped shoulders and hands wringing together in front of him that he was much less confident off stage than on it. Heechul studied the man’s face for a moment – the stage lights hadn’t created an illusion, Kyunghoon was just as pretty under the dingy lighting of their dressing room.

The band explained that they had another schedule to get to, so the Super Junior members all stood up and bowed politely to say goodbye. Heechul caught Kyunghoon’s eye for a moment, which wasn’t surprising given that he hadn’t stopped watching him the whole time, and felt himself blush slightly. As soon as the door closed he cursed under his breath. Why was he acting like this? He wasn’t nervous around anyone, let alone another singer he’d never spoken to before. They sat back down, and unbeknown to him, Donghae had been watching him throughout their interaction.

“You were awfully nice to them Heechul hyung,” he started, a smug tone to his voice, “not like you to show an ounce of respect to senior singers.”  
“Shut up Donghae,” Heechul rebutted, more venom in his voice than he intended.  
“Ooh I think Donghae touch a nerve,” Yesung laughed.  
“No he did not I’m just tired, now all of you get out and leave me alone.”

The members looked at each other and reluctantly moved to the other dressing room. It wasn’t that they were obligated to follow Heechul’s every order, but none of them could quite be bothered to put up with him when he was in a bad mood. As they left, Heechul lay back down on the sofa where he had been earlier that morning. He closed his eyes and tried to process what was going on in his head. This wasn’t anything new to him of course, he knew what a crush felt like, but it didn’t usually hit him so strongly and all at once. He began to get angry at himself – angry at the thought that the most timid of men could turn the mighty Heechul into a stuttering mess. This wouldn’t do. He had to find out more about Kyunghoon and make his move. If there was a chance he was into Heechul then he could easily be won over, and if not, he was a fool with no taste and Heechul’s feelings would instantly disappear. That’s the way it always worked and this time would be no different, Heechul refused to let his feelings control him.

A few days later the Super Junior members were out eating pizza together when ‘Coward’ began playing in the restaurant. It was about the fiftieth time Heechul had heard it in the last week, to the point he felt like Kyunghoon was stalking him. He just couldn’t get the man out of his head. Instead of dwelling on it and making himself angry he decided to use it to make conversation.

“What do you guys know about Min Kyunghoon?” he asked the table, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. The members all looked at each other in confusion at the sudden question before Leeteuk spoke.  
“Probably nothing more than you Heechul, why do you ask?”  
“Because he has a crush,” Donghae butted in with a childish giggle.  
Heechul glared at him from across the table, “no I do not, stop being so immature Donghae. I just think it’s weird that he’s been in the industry for two years longer than us and is now ridiculously famous, yet we never hear a single thing about him.”  
“Well not everyone parties as hard as you do Heechul,” Shindong interrupted between slices of pizza, “plus he’s from a really small agency, he might just not have many celebrity friends.”  
“Why are you curious about him though Heechul?” asked Yesung, “do you have a crush on him?”  
“No I don’t! I’m not gay I told you!”  
At that they all burst into laughter. Heechul knew it was pointless arguing with them so he shook his head and aggressively bit into his pizza. Leeteuk was watching him and could tell he was clearly upset, so decided to take the mature route and offer a vaguely useful suggestion.  
“You could always ask Yunho?”  
Heechul paused to think for a moment, “why would Yunho know anything?”  
“Well they debuted around the same time so they’ve probably spent a fair amount of time backstage together, I’d say he’s your best bet.” Heechul nodded, silently contemplating how he was going to go about his investigation, and continued eating his pizza.

Heechul didn’t get the opportunity to speak to Yunho for a couple of weeks. They were both so busy promoting that during the only time they ever spent in the dorms together, they were both sleeping. Finally Heechul came in one night to find Yunho sat watching a film, and given how unusually quiet their apartment was, he guessed that everyone else was asleep. He made his way over to the one sofa in their otherwise empty living room and sat down next to him.

“Oh hey Heechul,” Yunho smiled, a slightly sleepy tone to his voice - unsurprising, given that it was 2:30 in the morning.  
“Hey Yunho, what are you watching?” Heechul asked, looking at the old TV in front of him.  
“Die hard, but I’m not really paying attention to it, just trying to unwind a little before bed.”  
Heechul nodded and looked down at his hands for a moment before deciding to seize his chance.  
“You guys know Buzz right? I mean, what do you know about Min Kyunghoon?” God he was really in trouble if he couldn’t even speak properly around Yunho.  
“Yeah a little, I mean we’ve shared a waiting room backstage with them hundreds of times now, they’re all really nice guys.”  
“Okay but what about Kyunghoon specifically?” asked Heechul, not caring how weirdly inquisitive he sounded at this point.  
“Erm, honestly Heechul I don’t know that much about him. I’d say he’s friendly, but super quiet around people he doesn’t know. He has a really goofy sense of humour, always telling dirty jokes and doing this weird trick where he puts pieces of paper up his nose, it’s hilarious.”  
“Really?” asked Heechul in disbelief, “he doesn’t seem the type...”  
“Yeah, plus I’ve only ever drank with him twice but he gets really cute when he’s drunk. He’s nothing like the cool guy you see on stage.”  
Heechul smiled, that was something he’d really love to see.  
“And what about when he’s not performing? Who is he friends with? What does he usually do? Is he dating anyone?”  
“If you’re asking me whether he’s gay Heechul I don’t know the answer to that.”

Shit. Was he really being that obvious?

“No I wasn’t, I mean I...” Heechul sighed and sat back in his chair, placing his hands over his eyes. He was too tired to try and defend himself.  
Yunho chuckled softly, giving him a knowing look, “sorry Heechul, I think I remember him mentioning going to a PC room once but that’s all I can think of. He’s a really private guy.”  
Heechul sighed, “ah well, it’s not important, I was just curious after meeting him the other day that’s all.”

But of course it was important, and with all lines of inquiry seemingly used up, Heechul felt utterly defeated. If anything, the sheer mystery surrounding Kyunghoon was only making Heechul more curious about him. He would just have to wait and hope that a chance would come along for them to get to know one another a little better.

***2015, JTBC headquarters***

Heechul was seated at a large table in a conference room at JTBC. He had agreed to take part in a new variety show which was going to be aired on the channel. The only problem was the show didn’t even have a format yet, he’d agreed simply because it would mean he would get to be on a show with Kang Hodong and Lee Soogeun; two legends of Korean variety. The three of them were sat in the room along with ex-basketball player Seo Janghoon, comedian Kim Youngchul, guitarist Kim Sehwang and singer Hwang Chiyeul.

As he looked around the room, sweeping his hand back through his currently bright pink hair, Heechul could feel the anticipation building – they had all gathered to find out who the last member of the cast was going to be. A million thoughts ran through his mind; he wondered if maybe it would be someone he was friends with and that they had refrained from telling him for the sake of confidentiality. Or even better, a young girl group member who had been added to create an extra spark of chemistry between the MCs. Just then there was a soft knock at the door, and Heechul’s jaw dropped as the mystery MC in question entered the office.

It was him. The one celebrity crush he had never quiet managed to get over. The one celebrity crush he would HAVE to get over.


	4. Dreams and Reality

Kyunghoon lifted his head up from his arms which were folded on the smooth wooden desk in front of him. He shuffled on the hard chair beneath him and stretched out his back, looking around in confusion. He looked down and saw that he was wearing his Knowing Bros uniform, but something felt different. This wasn’t the JTBC set, this was a real classroom, his homeroom from high school to be exact. It had the same stale, chalky smell as it had fifteen years before, the walls lined with posters, information, a map of Korea. He examined the setting he was in, unsure of why he was there, yet he had a strange awareness that this was where he was supposed to be. His eyes fell on the windows across the room – it was starting to get dark outside and as a result he could see his own reflection. He looked younger, and raised a hand to his pale face as he estimated that this was the body he’d had the last time he was in this room, aged eighteen. He remembered what his life was like back then and smiled. He’d always been a good kid, he tried his best in school, went to church and took care of his parents. Nevertheless he knew they were a little concerned when he’d decided to become a musician. Truth be told he was concerned too. He had no need to be of course, he was right on the cusp of greatness, he just didn’t know it yet.

Just then the door of the classroom both opened and slammed shut in the space of two seconds, and a man was suddenly leaning up against it with his head hanging, breathing deeply. He looked up with a smirk, making direct eye contact with Kyunghoon, who realised that it was Heechul standing in front of him. Again, this wasn’t the Heechul of today, but an early-twenties version of Heechul. The same version of Heechul whose arrogant charm had won over the audition panel at SM entertainment, and secured him a place in what was to become one of Korea’s most successful boy groups. He was almost glaring at Kyunghoon from the doorway, showing off his signature sideways smirk as he continued to catch his breath.

“Come here,” he said, standing up straight and taking a step forward, never taking his eyes off Kyunghoon. Kyunghoon just frowned in confusion, titling his head slightly to show that he didn’t understand what Heechul was asking.

“I said, come here” he repeated, this time with a slightly more aggressive tone. Kyunghoon still didn’t know quite what was going on, but he felt drawn to the man in front of him, a mix of curiosity and attraction running through his mind. He slowly stood up and made his way forward, never breaking eye-contact despite how intensely Heechul was staring back at him. The second he was in reaching distance, Heechul extended his hand, grabbed Kyunghoon by the arm and swung him around, pinning him against the door. His breath was knocked out of him, and he felt utterly powerless with his arms pressed above his head, Heechul now just centimetres away from him. Heechul let out a soft chuckle, and gripped Kyunghoon’s wrists even harder, slowly trailing his eyes down to Kyunghoon’s pink lips.

“You know how hard it was for me to get past the teachers to meet you here right?” he leaned in, almost whispering, “I had to run, and you know how much I hate running. You’re the only person I’ll run for,” he smiled. Kyunghoon began to feel lightheaded, unaware that he still wasn’t breathing, as his own eyes matched Heechul’s, falling on the pair of lips in front of him. Heechul inched closer, so close that Kyunghoon could feel his warm breath on his face. He closed his eyes on instinct, and the whole world seemed to stop as he waited for the impact of Heechul’s plump lips against his own.  
But they never did. Heechul chuckled softly and pulled back, letting go of Kyunghoon’s wrists and walking across the room to sit on the desk where Kyunghoon had previously been. He began casually swinging his legs back and forth as Kyunghoon opened his eyes and once again began to breathe.

“I can’t kiss you yet Hoonie, not while I’ve still got all of that adrenaline running through me – I’d end up fucking you right here in this classroom,” he laughed nonchalantly, and Kyunghoon flushed a deep crimson.  
“I wish we didn’t have to keep doing this Kyunghoon,” he sighed, suddenly looking more serious.  
“Normally I’d say it doesn’t matter what other people think, but in this case it really does matter. We could get thrown out of school, and god knows what our parents would say.” Kyunghoon’s heart sank as he nodded, walking across the room to sit back down in the chair beside Heechul. They both paused for a moment, just looking at each other gently.

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t still want you.”

Heechul reached out and stroked Kyunghoon’s face carefully with the back of his delicate fingers, and Kyunghoon reflexively leaned into his touch. Just then they both jumped apart, hearing footsteps somewhere further down the hallway.

“Well then,” Heechul smirked, his cocky side making an appearance once more, “looks like we’d better get this started before it’s too late, I didn’t run all this way for nothing.” He stood up, and seductively walked the long route around the desk, swinging his hips slightly, and flicking his long auburn hair behind his shoulders.

“St-start what exactly?” Kyunghoon asked, his heart rate slowly increasing as Heechul came towards him.

“Don’t play innocent with me Kyunghoonie,” he laughed, suddenly straddling Kyunghoon in his chair, “we both know what you’re capable of.” And with that he took Kyunghoon’s face in both of his hands and roughly pressed his lips to his.

But Kyunghoon could feel nothing.

He was aware that Heechul was now grinding down into his lap, deepening the kiss even further. His blood rushed in his ears and he was struggling to breathe, gripping onto the man’s shirt in front of him to pull him closer still, and yet still there was no sensation. He whined out in frustration, reaching for something that just wasn’t there, before the scene faded to black.

Kyunghoon awoke with a start, breathing heavily, drenched in sweat and more turned on than he would ever dare to admit. He moaned at the friction of the bed sheets against him and suddenly became aware the loud ringing of his alarm beside his head. He reached out and turned it off, before unplugging the phone from its charger and taking a look at the screen. One new message from Heechul.

Heechul.

Oh fuck.

Kyunghoon’s heart suddenly began beating even faster as he started to panic, the details of his dream flooding back to him. Over the past few weeks he’d just about managed to get this weird crush of his under control, to the point he thought it might have just been all in his imagination. Yet now he was waking up with a hard-on after dreaming about making out with him, and things suddenly didn’t seem so clear anymore. He placed a cold hand on his flushed face and with the other arm shakily lifted his phone into view.

“Sorry Kyunghoon, can’t meet you for lunch today, have a meeting at SM. Guess I’ll see you at the shoot this afternoon x”

Oh god, the shoot. How was Kyunghoon possibly going to be able to film an entire episode of Knowing Bros after that? He shook his head realising he actually didn’t have time to dwell on things any more, he’d somehow managed to sleep-in a little, and only had an hour before he’d have to leave. He put down his phone and stood up, making his way to the bathroom for a well needed cold shower.

Kyunghoon spent the car journey to the JTBC studios preparing himself for coming face to face with Heechul. He told himself that all he needed to do was be professional, and after today the dream would fade from his mind and he’d be able to go back to acting as though it had never happened. For the first half of the episode that worked just fine. Heechul arrived late from his meeting so they had no time to chat in the waiting room, and that week’s guest, Kim Jin-kyung, happened to be a fan of his, which give him something else to focus on. His plan of paying minimal attention to Heechul was going great, until Jinkyung, being a model after all, pushed the MCs into acting out a fake photoshoot. But this was a variety show, it could never be JUST a photoshoot.

Despite Kyunghoon’s hesitation he was pushed closer to Heechul in an attempt to demonstrate their “bromance”. The gap between them closed and he felt his heart begin to race as Heechul placed an arm right around his back. Kyunghoon was on autopilot, just placing an arm on Heechul’s shoulder and a hand gently upon his neck as he was told. He leaned back to make eye-contact, but wasn’t really looking, he was willing his brain to wander elsewhere until this was all over. That was until he noticed Heechul smirk, and stealthily push his leg between Kyunghoon’s, pulling their bodies almost flush against one another. It took every ounce of willpower for Kyunghoon to hold his composure as he felt Heechul’s firm thigh pressed directly against his crotch, on top of the fact that their lips were now mere centimetres apart, Heechul staring directly at Kyunghoon’s mischievously. 

“Don’t move your lips Heechul!” Jinkyung gasped with a laugh, and Kyunghoon found it impossible to look Heechul in the eyes any longer. He could feel Heechul’s heartbeat beneath his hand, steady and calm compared to the fast hammering of his own. Then there was the fact that he could feel an all too familiar tightening of his pants, and he began to pray that Heechul couldn’t feel it too. Thankfully after a couple of seconds more Heechul released him and stepped backwards, but Kyunghoon felt himself needing to hold on to him for support, his legs weak beneath him. The rest of the cast laughed and stood up to continue the segment, as though nothing out of the ordinary had just occurred (at this point, to a viewer of the show, that really was the case), but Heechul noticed Kyunghoon fanning himself with his hand as he walked back to his seat and gave him a questioning look. Kyunghoon simply looked the other way.

The pair didn’t really interact again until they found themselves alone in their waiting room after the shoot, Kyunghoon still attempting to avoid eye-contact with Heechul leaving him to talk away to himself with no response.

“...it was so obvious Leeteuk is jealous that I’m hosting another show, you should have seen his face when Shindong mentioned it,” Heechul laughed out loud, the silence in the room making him aware for the first time in ten minutes that Kyunghoon was totally ignoring him.

“Kyunghoon? Hoonie? Earth to Min Kyunghoon?” he laughed, walking across the room and grabbing his colleague's arm. Kyunghoon practically jumped off the sofa he was sat in, eyes widened like a deer in the headlights. Heechul stopped laughing, a more concerned look on his face and sat down beside him.

“Hey, what’s up with you today? Is it something personal? You did really well in the shoot today if that’s what you’re worried about.” He slowly reached out to touch Kyunghoon’s hand, but he tucked it beneath his thigh defensively.

“I promise it’s nothing hyung, I just didn’t sleep well last night so I’m not feeling myself,” he replied, still not able to make eye-contact with the man next to him.

“Are you sure? You know I’m your hyung, you can tell me anything right?”

In this case he couldn’t. Or maybe there’s a way he could.

“I... I think I like somebody...” Kyunghoon mumbled, looking down at his knees.

“Oh wow I wasn’t expecting that!” Heechul gasped, his eyes lighting up at the first sign of gossip, “go on then, tell me who she is. Is she pretty?”

Yes he is.

“Yeah I guess but I’d rather not...”

“Does she have a nice body?”

Yes he does.

“Well, yeah I guess, but Heechul I...”

“Is she funny?”

He is very funny.

“Yes Heechul but I’d rather not tell you who it is,” Kyunghoon finally managed to interrupt.

“Okay then,” Heechul laughed defensively, “but at least tell me what the problem is.”

“Well...” Kyunghoon sighed, cautious of where the conversation was going, “what do you do when you like someone who doesn’t like you back?”

Heechul stared at him blankly, like he was speaking an alien language.

“Well do you know for a fact that she doesn’t like you? I mean, did she tell you that?”

“No, but it’s obvious. There’s a zero percent chance of us ever being together.”

Heechul laughed and shuffled closer, placing an arm around Kyunghoon’s shoulder’s before he could object.

“Now what makes you say that? Anyone would be crazy not to fall for you Kyunghoonie! You’re handsome in a really cute way, but you can also be manly and sexy when you want to be. You’re tall, have perfect skin, and I can tell you’ve been working out,” Heechul smirked, pinching Kyunghoon’s bicep and causing him to jump slightly, “you’re a talented musician and comedian, and that’s on top of the fact that you’re one of the most sensitive and caring men I’ve ever met.”

For the first time in hours Kyunghoon allowed himself to look at Heechul, and saw a genuine softness in his eyes. He felt a wave of emotion wash over him and a lump began to form in his throat. Heechul stared back at him with a soft smile and Kyunghoon could have sworn that, just for a second, his eyes wandered down to his lips. Heechul gave Kyunghoon the briefest of hugs before jumping up and grabbing his bags. 

“Anyway I’ll see you next week Ssamja. I don’t want to hear about you crying over some pretty girl okay? Just go for it, and if she really doesn’t like you then she’s not worth it.”

Heechul left the room, and Kyunghoon burst into tears.


	5. Korean Barbecue

Number 1: No, definitely not.  
Number 2: Maybe. Long slender fingers, neatly trimmed nails, the slight hint of lotion remaining on the skin. It was a possibility.  
Number 3: No, too small.  
Number 4: Too old.  
Number 5: Closer, but still not quite right.  
Number 6: A strong possibility. A hand with a delicate, feminine feel to it which seemed about the right size too.  
Number 7: No. That narrowed it down to two.

Kyunghoon once again found himself in a situation which could only occur on the set of Knowing Bros, as he was blindfolded and made to pick out the hand of his ‘wife’ Solbi. It was just a ridiculous game of course, but he would still be made fun of if he picked the wrong woman, so he gave each hand careful consideration. After narrowing it down he announced his two choices to a chorus of snickering from the rest of the cast – obviously at least one of the choices was very wrong. 

“I got a vibe from number two,” he said, “but number six gave me a nice feeling too.” The snickering from the cast continued as he agonised over his choice. He thought logically, and there was just something about the way hand number two fit perfectly in his, like it was supposed to be there.

“Number two!” he made his choice, and the person in question stepped forward to take his hand; yes, this definitely felt right. “Honey I love you,” he said, playing up to the husband and wife theme of the game. But when his blindfold was removed a couple of seconds later he was stunned to see Heechul standing in front of him. 

“It was you?!” he exclaimed in shock.  
“Yes it was me,” Heechul laughed, pulling Kyunghoon into his arms for a hug. Kyunghoon couldn’t even enjoy the moment as his mind began racing, trying to process what had just happened, all while putting on a smile for the cameras. Luckily the directors called cut just at that moment, allowing him to excuse himself to go to the bathroom.

As he left the set he began to breathe heavily, trying to get his emotions under control. After crying over Heechul in his dressing room a few weeks earlier, he had felt both pathetic and helpless, and vowed from that moment on to just stop caring. But pushing such strong feelings aside is virtually impossible, as he was continuing to discover week by week. He reached the nearest bathroom and quickly locked the door, running his hands under freezing cold water and splashing his face in an attempt to calm down. He could have picked anyone in that room, but he was drawn to Heechul. It was as if some strange outside force was trying to push them together, all the while Kyunghoon was trying his best to resist it, and Heechul, as happy as ever, was totally oblivious to it. For the tenth time that week the most obvious question appeared in Kyunghoon’s mind: should he just tell Heechul how he feels? Every time he came to the same conclusion. Other than finally being able to let out his emotions, there would be absolutely no positive to doing that. He knew Heechul didn’t feel the same way about him, it might ruin their friendship, he might have to leave the show, and that’s before even considering what could happen if the news somehow made it out to the world. As sad as that conclusion was, thinking logically about any stressful situation always helped Kyunghoon to calm down. He suddenly recalled the way Heechul had held him just moments earlier and smiled. He loved the way Heechul hugged him, the soft grip of his hands on his waist, the way their height difference allowed him to rest his chin comfortably on his hyung’s shoulder, his scent and the welcoming warmth of his body in contrast to Kyunghoon who was always cold. It was something small, but at least it was something.

He considered whether he’d ever felt this way before, and there was a time back in 2006 which came to mind. The Buzz members were having dinner together when a girl walked into the restaurant who happened to have been a friend of Junki’s in high school. She was so beautiful, she could have been an idol; short dark hair, perfect skin, a great body. She sat down with them and from the moment she began to speak Kyunghoon was smitten. The only problem is, she was there with her boyfriend. Kyunghoon waited for her for over a year, taking any opportunity he could to meet her, always hoping she would break up with her boyfriend, but she never did. Kyunghoon was all too familiar with unrequited love, yet this was different – the feelings were deeper, the stakes were higher, the pain was stronger. As much as he tried to distract himself or push away the feelings, they were only getting worse. He was close to breaking point, he wasn’t very good at hiding his emotions and knew he’d have to tell someone soon. He had people he could confide in but he had no idea how they would react in this case, and that thought terrified him.

He decided to immerse himself in filming for the next couple of hours, at which point he’d be able to go back to the relative safety of his home and avoid Heechul for the rest of the week. Luckily the rest of the episode was very entertaining and offered a good enough distraction from his emotions. The second filming ended he excused himself and made his way back to the waiting room, but no sooner had he left the set he heard footsteps jogging behind him.

“Hey Ssamja! Wait up!” Kyunghoon rolled his eyes realising who was behind him, but reluctantly stopped walking and turned around, not wanting to be rude.  
“I meant to ask you earlier ,” Heechul said, finally catching up, “do you want me to get Solbi’s number for you?”  
“What?” asked Kyunghoon, confused by the unexpected conversation topic.  
“You know, seeing as you like her.”  
“Actually I already have her number,” Kyunghoon laughed and carried on walking. This was true – after their last time filming together they had realised they had a lot in common and decided to exchange numbers. They didn’t talk often, but Kyunghoon liked having another friend in the small group of people he felt a genuine connection with.  
“Ha! Go you Kyunghoonie! So what’s going on with you two then? Have you been on a date yet?” Heechul continued to walk beside him.  
“We aren’t interested in dating each other, we’re just friends,” he explained, looking forwards as he walked.  
“Are you serious?! You’d be so good together! Please tell me this isn’t because of that other girl?”  
“What other... oh...” Kyunghoon suddenly recalled the conversation he’d had with Heechul the other week. “No it’s not because of that, I just think we’d be better off as friends.”  
“Well if that’s the case you should at least try and get laid soon Kyunghoon,” Heechul joked.  
“What’s to say I’m not?” Kyunghoon snapped defensively.  
“Well your reaction says it all to be honest.”

They reached the waiting room and Kyunghoon began packing up his bags at lightning speed, wanting to get out of there as quick as possible.  
“Oh actually,” Heechul piped up standing behind him, “I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come out for dinner with all of us? The ratings have been getting much better lately so we thought we should celebrate.”  
Kyunghoon sighed, starting to become irritated, “I don’t know Heechul, I already have plans,” he lied.  
“What plans? Going home to play computer games?” Heechul gave him a knowing look, “I’ve hardly seen you at all lately Hoonie, I’d really love it if we could spend some time together.”  
Kyunghoon felt a tightening in his chest. One look in Heechul’s eyes and he was unable to say no.

A couple of hours later the whole cast were sat in a Korean Barbecue restaurant enjoying unlimited food and drink as a special treat out of the production budget. Kyunghoon had sat as far away from Heechul as possible, on the end of the table, next to Youngchul, and as much as he hated to admit it, he was enjoying himself. He still felt a little ache in his chest whenever he looked at Heechul but he was also really enjoying being around his friend. He’d forgotten just how funny and caring Heechul could be, as he happily cooked the meat for his hyungs all while singing, dancing and telling ridiculous jokes. They were busy eating when all of a sudden the conversation turned to upcoming guests on the show.

“Please can we have more girl groups on the show?” Heechul asked between bites of food.  
“I know you love them Heechul but those episodes never do as well ratings wise so we have to space them out,” Janghoon explained.  
“I think we’re looking at getting some older male idol groups on the show for a change,” Hodong interrupted.  
“Oh no,” Heechul groaned, and Kyunghoon frowned at him.  
“What do you mean oh no? I thought most of the older idol groups are your friends, why wouldn’t you want them on the show?” he asked, directly addressing Heechul for the first time that night.  
“Well most of them are my friends but also...” he trailed off.  
“You dated some of them?” Soogeun asked. Heechul simply blushed slightly and nodded.  
The group all began to laugh, along with Kyunghoon, but he stopped when he suddenly realised Heechul was serious.  
“Wait, what do you mean you dated them?”  
Everyone stopped laughing and gave Kyunghoon the same look which seemed to suggest he was missing something really obvious.  
“But, if that’s the case, why do you always say you like women?”  
“Oh Kyunghoonie you’re so dim sometimes,” Heechul laughed, lowering his voice, “I do like women, I just like men too. I can’t exactly go around broadcasting that to the world though when I’m an idol.”  
“Honestly Kyunghoon how did you not know that? Anyone can tell he isn’t straight!” Janghoon laughed, gesturing to Heechul sitting next to him.  
“Hey!” Heechul smacked his arm playfully, “you do have a point though.” With that everyone burst out laughing.

Everyone except for Kyunghoon that is, whose mind began racing as fast as his heart. This changed nothing, and yet somehow it changed everything. The situation was no longer a case of Heechul not liking men, it was now that he didn’t like Kyunghoon. Or maybe he did? No, he couldn’t let himself think like that. But was it really that obvious that Heechul wasn’t straight? He’d always assumed Heechul flirted with men for entertainment, but obviously he was wrong. Maybe his brain was stopping him from seeing the obvious so as not to make his new found crush even more complicated. He poured himself a shot glass of soju and downed it in one, before pouring another. 

“Ooh I see Kyunghoon is going hard tonight!” laughed Heechul, who had been watching him from the other end of the table, “I’m up for that, cheers everyone,” he said raising his glass. From that moment the alcohol started flowing faster and faster, until they were all well and truly drunk. As most of the cast got louder, Kyunghoon got progressively more quiet, thankful that the soju was lessening the ache in his chest and preventing him from getting lost in his feelings. He was watching Heechul and Janghoon who had suddenly stood up and broke into a rather embarrassing rendition of Twice’s “Likey”, complete with dance routine. When they finished everyone gave them a round of applause and they hugged each other, both shaky on their feet thanks to the copious amounts of alcohol they had consumed.

“Ah I love you Heechulah,” Janghoon laughed, and suddenly grabbed Heechul’s face in both of his hands and kissed him square on the mouth. The table erupted into cheers and laughter, with Heechul sitting down in embarrassment. Kyunghoon couldn’t believe it, a small part of his brain was telling him that what he’d just seen was all a joke, a mix of alcohol, friendship and an attempt to be funny. But the soju and adrenaline suddenly running through him were preventing him from seeing anything rationally. He began to breathe heavily, downing another glass, tears beginning to form in his eyes. How could this happen? Why couldn’t he be the one kissing Heechul? He thought about what would happen if he did it – maybe he could just try it one time and if Heechul reacted badly he could blame the alcohol. At least then he would know what it felt like to have their lips press softly against one another. In that moment it was all he wanted. But Kyunghoon wasn’t the type to just kiss people for fun, and Heechul knew that – if he did it then it would be game over. Kyunghoon had to get out of there, he couldn’t breathe and was so close to breaking down in front of everyone. Without even looking up he told everyone he wasn’t feeling well and headed towards the exit.

He hadn’t made it ten steps before he heard Heechul’s voice from behind him. He ran up and grabbed Kyunghoon by the arm, alarmed when he saw how red his friend’s eyes were.  
“Kyunghoon what’s wrong, are you okay?” he asked, the genuine concern showing in his voice. Kyunghoon looked down at the floor, using all his strength not to cry.  
“I’m fine hyung, the soju has just given me a headache that’s all.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Heechul asked, moving his hand gently down Kyunghoon’s arm and taking his hand in his, “I could have given you some painkillers or at least called you a cab.”  
Kyunghoon looked at Heechul’s hand holding his and sighed, before gently pulling back.  
“I’m fine hyung, I think I’m going to walk home, I need to clear my head.” And with that he turned and began walking away, ignoring Heechul who continued to call after him. Once he reached home Kyunghoon sat on the floor of his bedroom and drank another bottle of soju, tears silently running down his cheeks.

He awoke the next day to the midday sun coming through his bedroom window and struggled to open his eyes, suffering from a real headache thanks to the alcohol he had drank the night before. He rolled over to check the time on his phone and saw he had ten missed calls and a new message from Heechul. He sighed before opening it.

“Kyunghoon, we need to talk.”


	6. Happy Birthday Leeteuk

***2006 – Leeteuk’s 24th birthday party***

He has to be here, he just has to. 

Heechul was stood on the balcony, overlooking the dance floor below him. It was only 10pm, the majority of the people in the bar were mingling around the sides of the room or buying drinks, with just a couple of people already dancing along to the music in the centre. This was one of the most exclusive clubs in Seoul, and courtesy of SM, it had been rented out for the evening. Heechul had taken it upon himself to plan the whole event, from the drinks menu, to the black and white dresscode, to the guest list. Of course he wouldn’t take on all that work if he didn’t have something to gain from it. In this case, inviting a certain vocalist who he hoped would make an appearance.  
All routes had so far been exhausted in his efforts to find out more about Kyunghoon. So far, after six months of dropping his name into conversation, all he knew is that he was a year his junior, he lived with his parents and was currently single. That’s it. It seemed unimaginable to Heechul, Seoul’s premier social butterfly, that someone so handsome and charismatic could have so few friends and spend all his time alone. In a last ditch attempt to meet him, he had invited him to Leeteuk’s birthday. Initially he had turned down the invite, by letter of all things, but after some tactical persuasion by the TVXQ members, he had reluctantly agreed to attend.

The problem was he was yet to appear, and Heechul was becoming impatient. He was staring into space, cradling his whiskey when Yunho walked up beside him.  
“Please tell me you aren’t missing out on your best friend’s party for a guy you don’t even know.” Heechul snapped out of his daydream, an offended look on his face.  
“I’m not missing the party, I’m here aren’t I?”  
“Yes but normally you’d be mingling with everyone down there,” Yunho gestured over the balcony, “and instead you’re up here all alone watching everyone like some kind of overly cautious security guard.”  
“I’ll go down in a minute, I just wanted to keep an eye out, he did say he would be here.”  
“Are you really that interested in him?” Heechul sipped his whiskey and considered the question carefully.  
“I’m just curious about him. I don’t understand how someone can be so famous and so private at the same time.” Yunho leaned closer to his friend, and began to whisper, despite there being nobody else on the balcony.  
“You’re allowed to like him Heechul, I won’t judge you.”  
“I know,” Heechul replied, looking at the glass in his hands, “but it’s...”  
“Complicated?”  
“Yeah,” he sighed, “it’s far too complicated.” Yunho gave Heechul’s arm a reassuring squeeze before walking back towards the stairs. 

After another thirty minutes of waiting, the dance floor was starting to fill up and it was becoming more difficult to make out individual faces under the minimal lighting. Heechul was getting frustrated, he needed some fresh air. Luckily this was one of the few clubs in Seoul with a roof terrace above the main room, so he decided to make his way up the narrow staircase at the left side of the balcony, and to the terrace above. He took a deep breath in after opening the door, appreciating the fact that it wasn’t too cold, as he was wearing only jeans and a black dress shirt. He looked around the balcony which had string fairy lights hanging back and forth across it. The booming RnB from the club below could still be heard, but at a much lower volume, and there were a few tables spaced out where several people (all in couples) were enjoying their drinks in the calmer atmosphere. It was then that Heechul noticed someone standing alone across the other side of the balcony, leaning against the safety railing, just taking in the Seoul skyline spread out before them. Heechul’s heart stopped, and he had to take a moment to iron out the creases in his shirt, and run his hands through his hair before making his approach. He took a step up to Kyunghoon’s side before quietly greeting him.

“Oh, hello,” Kyunghoon replied, even quieter, and bowed at ninety degrees.  
Heechul chuckled to himself, “please, don’t worry about being so formal, I might be older than you but you’re my sunbae, we might as well be on equal footing.”  
“Fair enough,” Kyunghoon nodded, and turned back to look at the view. Heechul paused for a moment, unsure of how to proceed.  
“You know the party is downstairs right?” he laughed, realising he sounded more nervous than he intended.  
“Yeah I know, I’m not really much of a party guy.”  
“Yeah you made that clear, it took Changmin forever to persuade you to come.”  
“How do you know that?” Kyunghoon frowned, finally turning to look Heechul in the eyes.  
“Because I invited you.”  
“Oh really? Why were you the one deciding who to invite to Leeteuk’s birthday? And why would you want me here?”  
Heechul wasn’t expecting the sudden interrogation, and he was unsure of how honest to be.  
“Oh, well, you know, Leeteuk is super busy so I wanted to organise a party for him and I thought it would end up being the best party possible if I invited everyone we know...” he paused for a moment, oh screw it, “plus I was curious about you.”  
“Curious about me?” Kyunghoon laughed, looking at Heechul as if he’d just made the most ridiculous comment possible. Heechul blushed; he felt out of his depth, normally whoever he was speaking to would be falling at his feet by now. Instead he was making an idiot of himself all while having to remind himself to breathe after noticing that the man in front of him seemed even more handsome than the last time they had met.

“Is there something wrong with that?” Heechul asked, trying to match Kyunghoon’s teasing tone.  
“No,” Kyunghoon laughed harder, noticing Heechul’s effort to appear confident despite being flustered by his response, “I just don’t know what there is to be curious about, I’m fairly boring.”  
“But that’s just it,” replied Heechul, getting back into his stride, “I don’t know if you’re boring, nobody does. You’re probably one of the most famous people in the country right now yet nobody knows anything about you.”  
“Yeah well that’s the way I like it,” Kyunghoon took a sip of his beer. He paused, but then took pity on Heechul after realising that wasn’t the answer he was looking for, “but for tonight you can ask me whatever you want.” Heechul thought for a moment.  
“Did you always want to be a singer?”  
“No, I mean I always enjoyed singing but I never really thought I had a chance at becoming a professional singer.”  
“So what made you audition?”  
“I got scouted,” he said, very matter-of-factly.  
“Ah, makes sense...”  
“Why?”  
“Well, have you looked in the mirror lately?” Heechul laughed. Flirting – this was more his thing.  
Kyunghoon smiled, briefly showing his dimples, before taking a sip of his beer.  
“Yeah well, you could say the same thing about you or any other idol, but most of you chose to audition. I just got lucky.” Heechul noted his modesty.  
“So what about when you aren’t singing?” he asked, “What do you like to do? Are you dating anyone?”  
“Why? Are you wondering if you have a shot?” Kyunghoon smirked.  
Heechul’s eyes widened, his heart hammering against his chest. Shit.  
Kyunghoon flashed a genuine smile and laughed at just how flustered he’d made Heechul.  
“Calm down I was only kidding. Actually I went through a bad breakup a few months back so I’m just focusing on work for now. To be honest I haven’t stopped for months now, as much as I’m grateful that Buzz is doing so well I could really do with a break.” Heechul nodded, listening intently.  
“What about you?” Kyunghoon asked, finally showing an interest in return.  
“What about me?”  
“Are you dating anyone?”  
“Well, uh, you know...”  
“No actually, I don’t,” Kyunghoon laughed. God he was so straight forward, Heechul had never met anyone like him.  
“I mean, I get my fair share of action, I just don’t really date.”  
“Ah, noted.” Kyunghoon simply nodded and took another sip of his beer.

The conversation continued in the same way for another half an hour, and Heechul found Kyunghoon’s honesty jarring. Yet at the same time he found him incredibly difficult to read, he was such an enigma. The conversation naturally came to an end and the pair looked out over the city side by side, close enough for their upper arms to be touching as they leaned against the rail. Heechul turned slightly to look at the man beside him. He was astonishingly pretty, even more so up close. His skin was perfect, his hair thick and shiny, he had long eyelashes which gently closed over his dark, almond shaped eyes. His nose was perfectly petite, the type people have surgery to achieve, and his small lips were naturally tinted an attractive shade of pink. He was incredibly slim, and slightly taller than Heechul, and his body emitted a clean but manly sort of smell, mixed with the faint scent of cigarette smoke. Whether that was from his own bad habit or just from walking through the club Heechul didn’t know.

“Why do you keep watching me?” Kyunghoon asked, not even turning to look at Heechul, “Still curious?”  
Heechul just laughed and swallowed the last sip of his whiskey. In any other situation he would have sworn the person he was talking to was flirting with him but here? He just didn’t know. As he felt the liquid burn the back of his throat and warm his chest, he realised just how long they had been upstairs. He really needed to get back to the party, it was his best friend’s birthday after all.  
“Hey do you think we should go back downstairs? I’m worried Leeteuk will think we’ve abandoned him.” Heechul asked.  
“Hm, you go ahead Heechul, I think I’m just going to finish my beer up here then call it a night.”  
“Don’t be stupid,” Heechul said, getting brave, “come downstairs and dance with me.”  
Kyunghoon laughed, and looked down at his feet, “I don’t dance Heechul.”  
“Everyone dances in a club Kyunghoon, come on, no excuses.” And before he could protest Heechul took him by the hand and led him downstairs to the dancefloor.

Even in the darkness of the club it was obvious what Kyunghoon meant about him not being a dancer. He was stiff and awkward, kind of bobbing side to side with his shoulders hunched as if he had no idea what he was doing. This was only made worse by the fact that he was stood next to Heechul, for whom the dance floor was his second home. Heechul decided he could improve the situation by plying the man in front of him with drinks, and Kyunghoon, obviously aware of his own awkwardness, was happy to comply. A few shots later and both of them were well and truly loosened up, Kyunghoon’s dancing ability improved dramatically as it became apparent that he had an ability to sense the rhythm of the music that only musicians possess, he just wasn’t an experienced dancer. As he swayed to the beat, obviously very drunk, Heechul examined his proportions. On top of his height there was the fact that he had very, very long legs, his waist was also obviously very small, and every so often he would run a hand through his dark hair, causing his shirt to lift up and revealing his defined hip bones. God it was too much. Heechul just wanted to grab him by those hips, pull him towards him and kiss all of the air out of him. He started to move a little closer, closing the distance between them, continuing to dance to whatever song was playing around them, honestly he had no idea. With the sheer volume of people in the club it was becoming uncomfortably hot, and Heechul noted the sweat running down the side of Kyunghoon’s neck. His heart started hammering, unsure of what to do. He didn’t know why he was hesitating, if this were a girl he would be halfway back to her apartment already, aggressively making out behind the blacked out windows of a chauffeur driven car. He inched closer still, instinct beginning to take over as the alcohol in his veins clouded his judgment. Kyunghoon was still oblivious, looking around the room in his drunken state. Heechul reached out his hand, ready to take hold of his face and finally close the distance between them after six months of waiting.

But before he could do anything a hand roughly grabbed him by the arm and dragged him back through the crowd.  
“Hey!” he shouted, trying to pull away, but there was no stopping whoever had a hold of him. They eventually reached the men’s bathroom where he was aggressively shoved inside, the door quickly locked behind them. Under the much brighter lighting Heechul squinted and finally realised it was Leeteuk who had pulled him away from Kyunghoon, and he looked pissed.  
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing Heechul?!” he shouted, balling his fists and clearly unconcerned with how loud he was being.  
“What are you talking about?” Heechul shouted back, quickly becoming equally as angry.  
“You know fine well what I’m talking about Heechul, god, for once in your life can you just think with your head instead of your dick?”  
“I don’t know what you’re insinuating, but you’d better drop it before I hit you.”  
“Heechul get your head out of your ass, this isn’t about you being gay or whatever it is you are. You can fuck every man in Seoul for all I care, but when you start kissing Min Kyunghoon in the middle of a dance floor full of celebrities, that’s when we have a problem.”  
“Well I didn’t kiss him did I?” Heechul snapped back.  
“No but I could see the look in your eyes, you looked like you were ready to get on your knees for him in the middle of the dancefloor!” Leeteuk had a point, but Heechul wasn’t one to back down in a fight.  
“Shut the fuck up, you have no idea what you’re talking about. You should be out there enjoying this party that I planned for you, but instead you’re in here starting arguments over nothing like you’re my Dad!”  
“If you didn’t act so immaturely I wouldn’t have to Heechul! Can you not realise how big of a deal this is? You’d be outing yourself in front of almost every famous person in Korea! Your career would be over! Super Junior would be over! And all because you couldn’t control your urges over a pathetic little crush!”  
Tears began to form in Heechul’s eyes, although he wasn’t sure whether they were caused by anger or the sudden realisation that he would never be able to freely be with a man in public without the threat of ruining everything he’d worked so hard for.  
“This isn’t a crush,” Heechul choked back a sob, “I really like him.”  
Leeteuk’s eyes softened and he finally uncurled his fists. He could see how difficult this was for his friend despite the incredibly stupid mistake he’d almost made, and pulled him into a tight hug. As Heechul finally calmed down and got his breathing under control, he realised that he had left Kyunghoon alone on the dancefloor. He pulled back from Leeteuk and began walking towards the door.  
“I promise I’m not going to do anything stupid, I just have to talk to him again before the end of the night, this might be my only chance.”  
But as he made his way back to his previous spot in the middle of the room, he realised the man he was looking for was already gone.


	7. Missed Signals

“So let me get this straight. You’ve been avoiding Heechul all week because of something that has happened between you two, but you won’t tell me what it is, despite the fact that it apparently isn’t something bad. Heechul keeps texting you saying you both need to talk, but you don’t know what he wants to talk to you about, because it can’t be the thing that’s going on between you, because only you know what that is. And you wanted to meet with me because you’re nervous about talking to Heechul, but you don’t know what Heechul is going to say and you won’t actually talk to me at all.”

Kyunghoon just stared at his friend silently and took another sip of his beer. After running out of the restaurant crying the previous week he had made every effort to avoid Heechul, both in person, and his messages, until he accidentally picked up the phone leading to them arranging to meet tonight, to talk through whatever Heechul wanted to talk about. Kyunghoon was at breaking point, he was already struggling to keep this huge secret of his hidden, and now there was a possibility that Heechul had figured it out. Tired of not sleeping and constantly feeling anxious he called one of his closest friends, but now they were together he just couldn’t pluck up the courage to tell him what was going on.

“Come on Kyunghoon, if I’m going to help you I’m going to need a bit more than that,” Tei laughed slightly, but it was obvious that he was genuinely concerned. “Maybe just tell me what’s making you upset first and we can go from there.”  
“I... I don’t...” Kyunghoon sighed, he just couldn’t speak.  
“Okay well, tell me what happened between you and Heechul then.”  
“That’s the same thing...”  
“Please Kyunghoon, we’ve been friends for years now, we tell each other everything! I don’t know what could be so serious that you can’t tell me this time?”  
“I just can’t,” Kyunghoon sighed, the hand gripping his beer bottle shaking with nerves, “I really want to, but telling you makes it real and I don’t know how you’ll react.”  
Tei frowned, noticing just how terrified his friend looked, “God Kyunghoon you’re scaring me. You’re acting like you’ve killed someone or something.” He reached across the table and took Kyunghoon’s hands in his, steadying him.  
“Whatever it is, I can help you deal with it. I promise I won’t judge you.”  
Kyunghoon took a huge breath in and out before starting to speak, “This is going to sound ridiculous, so please don’t laugh, and I really hope I won’t lose you as a friend... but... I think I have feelings for Heechul.”

Tei just stared at him for a moment, no judgement on his face, just confusion.  
“Wait... you... what kind of feelings?”  
“Like, romantic feelings,” Kyunghoon said quietly, still shaking. Tei let go of Kyunghoon’s hands and sat back in his chair, running a hand through his hair and letting out a deep breath.  
“Well that’s not what I expected,” he laughed slightly in disbelief, “are you sure? Wouldn’t that make you gay? Not that it matters, I’m just a bit confused right now.”  
“Yeah well that’s how I’ve been feeling for months,” Kyunghoon said, taking a sip of his beer, “I’m not gay, I still love women the way I always have, but I just like him too.” Kyunghoon’s heart was still hammering against his rib cage, but he already felt a slight wave of relief washing over him.  
“But I mean,” Tei started, “are you sure you don’t just feel a connection to him as a friend? Do you want to, you know, do stuff with him?” Kyunghoon’s ears flushed a deep crimson and that was all Tei needed to know.  
“It’s okay you don’t need to answer that,” he said, also starting to blush slightly. “Wow, I get why you were so scared Kyunghoon, this is huge!” He looked at his friend frowning opposite him and realised he probably wasn’t helping, “I mean, huge is the wrong word, I’m just shocked that’s all. I’m glad that I’m the person you wanted to tell though, and as long as you’re happy, I’m happy.” He took one of Kyunghoon’s hands and caressed the back of his knuckles gently with his thumb. Kyunghoon smiled for the first time that night and although he still had adrenaline pumping through him, he really felt a weight had lifted off his shoulders, and his eyes started to fill with tears.  
“Woah stop that,” Tei said, sitting back, “I can cope with you kissing guys but I can’t cope with you crying in the middle of a bar,” they both laughed hysterically and Kyunghoon really felt like himself for the first time in weeks.

He then proceeded to tell the full story of him figuring out his feelings, and it felt good to finally put into words all of the emotion he’d been bottling up for weeks now. Tei just listened silently, sipping at his own drink until Kyunghoon reached the current day in his story and collapsed back in his chair with a sigh. There was silence for a few moments, both of them unsure of what to say.

“You’ll have to forgive me Kyunghoon, this is kind of a lot to take in. I’m not really sure what to say to you.”  
Kyunghoon nodded slowly, “I know, I don’t expect you to say anything. You don’t know how much of a relief it is for me to just finally tell someone, and thank you for not judging me, you probably feel really uncomfortable right now...”  
“No, of course not!” Tei interrupted, “I guess if I was the one you had a crush on then it would be a little awkward but I’m not going to feel uncomfortable about you admitting something that’s been worrying you so much. You’re still the same goofy Ssamja I’ve always known, I might just struggle with being your wingman from now on,” he laughed.  
“You were always a terrible wingman anyway,” Kyunghoon smirked, taking a sip of his beer.  
“But, I mean,” Tei started, a concentrated look on his face, “if you know that Heechul also likes men, how do you know for definite that he doesn’t like you?”  
“I just know,” Kyunghoon replied, “he’s always telling everyone about how straightforward he is with people he likes. He just goes for it the moment he realises he likes them.”  
“But have you ever considered that he might not be like that with men? It’s different with women, there’s much less risk involved, but with a guy... they might turn out to be straight, they might be homophobic, and even if they aren’t then getting caught would totally end his career.” Kyunghoon’s heart stopped, suddenly remembering outside of the comfort of this corner of the bar, people would likely be far less accepting of the conversation they’d been having for the last half an hour.  
“I suppose, but seeing as we’re such close friends, or we were before all of this started happening, I’m sure he would have at least flirted with me or something...”  
“Kyunghoon... are you blind?” Tei said with exasperation, “he flirts with you on national television every week!”  
“Yeah but that’s just for the cameras.”  
“Are you sure about that? If it was just for the cameras then would he really feel the need to move his desk closer to yours, hold your hand while he speaks to you, take any opportunity to act out having you as his pretend boyfriend? Sometimes I watch the show and think to myself that it looks like you’re already a couple.”  
Kyunghoon sipped his beer silently. He wasn’t sure what to think anymore, he didn’t want to let himself dare to think that he could possibly have a chance.

“What would be the harm in just telling him? Wouldn’t it feel nice to get your feelings out in the open, even if he doesn’t feel the same way?”  
“I guess but...” Kyunghoon didn’t even know where to start, “I’m not sure which is worse. Either he doesn’t like me, and me confessing will make things really awkward between us. Or he does like me, and maybe we start dating, but that would mean telling more people and some people might never want to speak to me again, and my whole career would be over, and what happens if we break up and I lose him as a friend, and...”  
“Woah Kyunghoon!” Tei reached across the table for his friend’s hand again, “you’re getting way ahead of yourself. That’s like going on a first date with a girl and worrying about your wedding. And who cares about people who won’t speak to you again? They’re narrow minded and don’t deserve someone as amazing as you as their friend. Why don’t you focus on all the nice things, like what it would be like to kiss him for the first time, and go out on dates together, and spend Christmas together with your families?” Kyunghoon smiled, his dimples blossoming, as he imagined just how amazing those things would be with Heechul.

Just then the door to the bar opened and the man himself entered – he was half an hour early. In classic Heechul fashion he was wearing a bright red tracksuit with matching slippers, a black mask and his unruly hair was left curly and completely unstyled. He looked a bit of a mess, but a cute mess, Kyunghoon thought to himself. He made his way up to the bar to order a drink when he looked across the room and noticed the other two men sat down in the corner.

“Oh shit he’s seen us, oh shit, shit, Tei what do I do?”  
“Kyunghoon I mean this in the nicest way possible but get a grip of yourself,” Tei whispered, “for all you know, all he wants to talk to you about is video games. And if for whatever reason he does want to talk about you and your feelings then just remember everything we’ve talked about for the past hour.” Just then Heechul approached them, beer in hand, and took off his mask.  
“Hey Kyunghoonah! I didn’t realise you’d be here so early, I thought I’d get here before you and have a quick drink in peace,” he laughed, “Tei-ssi, it’s good to see you,” he nodded politely to the other man.  
“Nice to see you too Heechul, now I’d better be going, I have another friend I need to meet.” Kyunghoon flashed Tei a look of pure panic, which was returned with a knowing stare. Tei left the bar and Heechul immediately took his place opposite Kyunghoon.

“So, what have you been up to?” asked Heechul, a hint of awkwardness in his voice.  
“Oh you know, just playing videogames, reading webtoons, the usual,” Kyunghoon replied, refusing to look Heechul in the eye.  
“Okay Kyunghoon I’m going to cut to the chase,” Heechul said, taking a sip of his beer. Kyunghoon’s heart rate shot up and he was struggling to keep his breathing under control.  
“Things have suddenly gotten really awkward between us and I don’t like it, I miss us being friends and me being able to call or message you whenever I want to talk. I guess what I’m trying to say is... I’m sorry if me telling you I’m not straight made you uncomfortable, and I hope we can still be friends.”  
“Wait... you think things have been awkward between us because I don’t like the fact that you like men?” Kyunghoon almost laughed in surprise.  
“Yeah of course,” Heechul replied, a genuine sincerity in his voice, “is that not it? I thought that’s why you left the restaurant crying last week?” Kyunghoon wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or just disappointed that Heechul thought so little of him.  
“Heechul, I’m not a homophobe. You could be getting married to a man and I’d be more than happy for you,” Kyunghoon lied to prove his point, “I just haven’t been feeling myself lately, that’s all.”  
“Oh, well that’s a relief,” Heechul laughed, and just like that he snapped back into his usual cheery mood.

Kyunghoon was relieved not only that he had the chance to tell Heechul that he was totally fine with his sexuality, but also that the tension between them dropped almost immediately. However, there was a small part of him which wished he’d had the chance to finally be honest, but the moment had passed. They talked until they were on to their third round of drinks, both of them starting to become a little tipsy, and the conversation suddenly moved to their debut days.

“God do you remember how awful our hairstyles and outfits were back then?” Heechul laughed, shaking his head.  
“Yeah they were awful,” Kyunghoon agreed.  
“At least you looked vaguely cool though, I just looked like an idiot.”  
“You thought I was cool?” Kyunghoon asked, raising an eyebrow and smirking slightly.  
“Yeah of course! I mean, the whole country thought you were cool.” Kyunghoon blushed slightly and looked down - being complemented by Heechul just made him feel so warm.  
“If we’re being totally honest, I had a huge crush on you back then.”

...

“You... you... had a crush on me?” Kyunghoon stammered.  
“Yeah,” Heechul laughed, “for years actually. It started the very first time we met, I’m assuming you don’t remember that day?” Kyunghoon shook his head, stunned into silence.  
“It was backstage at Inkigayo, you guys all came and introduced yourselves to us. I’d watched you perform on stage just before that and I remember you were wearing a white suit with some kind of black harness thing across your chest, and just the way the lights hit you from above, and your voice... I thought you were, well, beautiful.” He stared at Kyunghoon earnestly, deciding to continue after realising he wasn’t going to get a reply.  
“I tried so hard to get closer to you but you were just as private back then as you are now, it was pretty much impossible. God knows I tried everything, you must remember Leeteuk’s birthday party right?” Kyunghoon continued to stare silently for a moment before a look of realisation washed over his face.  
“Wait, that’s why you invited me? Because you had a crush on me?”  
“Yeah,” Heechul laughed, “I dropped so many hints but you were just totally oblivious. I told you I wanted to know more about you, I complemented your looks, I bought you drinks, but none of it worked. And you must remember how the night ended right?”  
Kyunghoon thought for a moment, “all I vaguely remember is us dancing together then you suddenly leaving with Leeteuk...”  
“Yeah, he had to drag me away from you because he knew I was about to kiss you in front of everyone.” Kyunghoon almost choked on his drink and his ears blushed bright red at just the thought, causing Heechul to laugh.  
“I’m sorry Kyunghoon, this is probably all a bit much for you. But don’t worry, that’s all in the past now. That was back before I knew you were definitely straight.”  
“But hyung I’m not straight.”

...

Kyunghoon couldn’t believe what he’d just done, but he knew now he would just have to be honest.  
“I like men too.”  
Heechul froze, totally unsure of what to say.  
“Kyunghoon you’d better not be fucking with me right now.”  
“I’m not, I genuinely do like both men and women.”  
The pair of them shared a look which seemed to reflect a decade of missed opportunities flashing before their eyes.  
“But... how long have you known?” Heechul asked.  
“Not very long at all. Actually I just told Tei before you got here, and other than that you’re the only one I’ve told.”  
“Wow...” Heechul sighed, taking a sip of his beer, “so what made you realise?”  
“I... I guess I just realised there’s a guy I know who I have a bit of a crush on,” he stammered, giving Heechul a knowing look. But once again it was a case of missed signals, Heechul off in his own world thinking about what a weird coincidence this all was.  
“Wow Kyunghoon this is so strange! Just imagine what it would have been like if we’d both known this about each other back then? We might not have dated but we probably would have at least had a drunken one night stand,” Heechul laughed. Kyunghoon started blushing.  
“Anyway that’s all in the past now, if we’d dated back then we probably wouldn’t have ended up being friends now, and I love having you as a friend. Cheers to friendship?”  
Kyunghoon silently raised his bottle and gently tapped it against Heechul’s. He sighed; he’d missed his chance, and on top of that he now had to suffer in the knowledge that he’d been missing his chance for over ten years.


	8. Intoxication

“Why don’t, instead of a relationship between a man and a woman, we show a man and a man. Wouldn’t that be possible for us?” a slight look of panic flashed behind Heechul’s eyes before he immediately snapped back into his confident TV persona.  
“Well... I guess, since love isn’t just between opposite genders,” he shrugged casually.  
“Yeah, and they really love and adore each other,” Kyunghoon continued enthusiastically, a sentence carrying more weight than Heechul knew.  
“Kyunghoon...” Heechul interrupted softly, placing a hand on his arm.  
“Okay, okay, I went too far,” he laughed softly. The director called cut and the producers all began laughing, praising Kyunghoon for saying something they knew the viewers would appreciate, before going for their coffee break and leaving the two men alone in the room.

“That was a pretty bold suggestion Kyunghoon,” Heechul smirked, “becoming more confident in your own sexuality are you?”  
“Shhh!” Kyunghoon smacked Heechul on his arm, “will you please be quiet! Anyway this isn’t about me.”  
“Well what is it about then?”  
“I’ve been thinking, it’s not fair that we have to sit here and hide such a huge part of who we are, knowing that it could mean the end of our careers if other people found out. And surely it’s the same for lots of other gay people in Korea too... I guess I just think that the only way things are going to start changing is if people like us try and show that two men liking each other is just something completely normal.” Heechul looked at him and blinked a few times.  
“Wow Kyunghoon, that’s... really brave of you.”  
Kyunghoon sighed, “it’s hardly brave Heechul, I’ve always thought homophobia was wrong, I guess now I just have more of a reason to stand up to it. Besides, you’ve been standing up for gay people for years now.”  
“Yeah I guess,” Heechul laughed, “but I’m naturally a lot more confident than you are, plus sometimes I enjoy doing things just for the sake of being controversial. You should be proud of yourself for suggesting that idea.” He reached over and squeezed Kyunghoon’s arm supportively, causing him to blush slightly.

Just then the production staff re-entered the room and the head producer asked them to gather around so they could discuss the rest of the day’s filming.  
“Kyunghoon, I just spoke to some of the JTBC board members and I’m sorry, but we can’t use your gay relationship idea in the music video.”  
“Why not?” Kyunghoon asked, feeling genuinely disappointed.  
“Well, this episode is already going to be really expensive to make and we simply don’t have the budget left over to hire two actors for the video.”  
“Why would we need two actors? Heechul and I can just be in the video ourselves.”  
Heechul shot him a panicked look, while the rest of the table looked at him as though he was speaking a foreign language.  
“Erm, yeah well I don’t think that would be such a good idea,” the producer replied, “and anyway we have a second problem; we can’t show that on TV, it wouldn’t be appropriate for broadcast.”  
“What?” Kyunghoon scoffed, “why wouldn’t it be appropriate for broadcast? I just wanted to show them being in love with each other, I didn’t mean show them having sex in the video.”  
Everyone in the room started mumbling among themselves, some looking completely scandalised by what Kyunghoon had just said, Heechul meanwhile was trying not to laugh.  
“Anyway,” the producer continued, “we were thinking instead it might be better to reveal at the end of the video that Kyunghoon was in love with Heechul the whole time. Maybe do it in some kind of funny way like having you write it in a diary or something.” Kyunghoon’s heart stopped for a moment, irrationally considering the fact that everyone in the room might know how he felt.  
“Why me?” he asked, trying not to let his voice waver.  
“Well it was your idea in the first place, plus I think we’ve used the “Heechul is gay” joke a little too much, it’s becoming unfair on him.” Everyone laughed, except Kyunghoon who failed to see what was funny.

It had been a few weeks since Kyunghoon had spontaneously decided to come out to Heechul, and it had strangely brought them both closer, and further apart. It was as though they now shared a special bond than comes through shared experience, as well as the trust needed to keep such an important secret. But at the same time Kyunghoon had to endure knowing that Heechul really didn’t feel the same way about him. He was working to accept this, telling himself every day that it didn’t matter what Heechul felt ten years ago, he wasn’t interested back then so it’s unlikely that they ever would have dated. Through the disappointment and frustration at their bad timing, he reminded himself that there was a lot to gain from simply having Heechul as a friend, and although it wasn’t everything he wanted, he would just have to learn to accept the way things were.

They immediately returned to filming, knowing they were on a tight schedule, meaning Heechul and Kyunghoon didn’t get any more time alone until they were packing up their belongings at the end of the shoot. They were both minding their own business when one of the producers walked in, cell phone in hand.  
“Hey guys, I have the finished mix of the song if you want to listen to it?” They both looked at each other excitedly before taking a seat beside one another on the sofa in their waiting room, as the producer pulled up a chair in front of them and pressed play. The song started with its delicate piano melody before Kyunghoon’s vocals began. He was listening intently, criticising himself in his head as usual, but Heechul must have noticed, and took his hand in his, giving him a reassuring smile. Then Heechul began to sing and Kyunghoon could do nothing but smile back warmly, threading their fingers together. The song was beautiful, it sounded better than either of them could have hoped for, and yet Kyunghoon was surprised to see what appeared to be tears forming in Heechul’s eyes as the song reached its climax. It came to an end, and the producer pressed stop, putting his phone back in his pocket.

“You did a really good job guys,” he said, getting up to leave the room, “we have a little time left if you want to make any last minute changes but all of the staff think it’s just perfect.”  
“Thank you PD-nim,” Kyunghoon replied, “we’ll discuss it and get back to you.” Left alone in the room he turned to the man next to him.  
“Heechul hyung, what’s wrong?”  
“Ah it’s nothing,” Heechul shook his head and looked down slightly.  
“Well it obviously is, did something upset you?” he asked softly, bringing his other hand on top of Heechul’s which was already linked with his.  
Heechul sighed, “I guess I’m just really happy. I’m grateful that we got the opportunity to make such a great song, and even more grateful that you wanted to do it with me in the first place.”  
Kyunghoon paused, completely taken aback by what Heechul had just said.  
“Why would I not want sing with you? You’re one of my best friends!” Heechul looked up and smiled warmly, holding Kyunghoon’s hand a little tighter.  
“I know that, but you’re such an amazing vocalist, you could sing with some of the best singers in history and still outshine them.” Now Kyunghoon was the one with a lump forming in his throat.  
“Heechul that’s ridiculous, I appreciate the compliment but you’re a singer too. You might be an idol, but you’re still a singer. I don’t usually pay much attention to idols but I’ve heard you sing over the years and I’ve always thought you had a great voice, it’s powerful but with a softness to it... just like you.” Heechul stared back at him with a look in his eyes telling Kyunghoon that was one of the best compliments he had ever received, and he pulled the man in front of him into a tight hug. Kyunghoon was taken aback, and felt his heart rate quicken as he threw off the restraint he’d put himself under for the last few months, and hugged him back. He shivered at Heechul’s warm hands caressing his sides and buried his face in his neck, inhaling his scent. He felt comfortable, and happy. In that moment, Heechul’s arms were the only place he wanted to be.

Heechul pulled back and smiled, cupping Kyunghoon’s cheek in his hand stroking the soft skin with his thumb. Kyunghoon couldn’t breathe, realising this was the closest he’d allowed himself to get to Heechul in a long time, and was almost relived when Heechul lowered his arm, and shuffled back slightly in his chair.  
“Anyway, that’s enough of that,” he laughed, as though he wanted to forget his sudden moment of weakness, “how do you think our song is going to do in the charts?”  
“Hmm,” Kyunghoon pondered, “I don’t know Heechul. It’s a good song, but we’re competing against idols and singers with a lot of young fans, I don’t really want to get my hopes up.”  
“Yah! Can you stop being so pessimistic for once in your life?” they both laughed, “I’m sure we’ll make it to the top ten.”  
“Do you really think so?” he asked, a glimmer of hope in his voice.  
“Yes, I do. In fact, you have to promise me something – if we get half a million downloads, you have to come out clubbing with me.”  
“Are you joking?” Kyunghoon scoffed.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Well firstly that’s never going to happen, and secondly, why do you want me to come clubbing with you anyway?”  
“Because whenever we hang out outside of filming we always do what you want to do – karaoke, playing games, drinks in a quiet bar somewhere...”  
“But you like those things too!” Kyunghoon protested, almost offended at the idea that he’d been forcing Heechul into situations he didn’t enjoy.  
“I know, but I love partying too, and I’d love it if I could share that with you. Besides, if you’re so sure it’s not going to happen then why are you bothered?” Heechul smirked.

But happen it did, and three weeks later Kyunghoon was stood in his bedroom, having no clue what to wear for his night out with Heechul. They had gone straight from filming to eat a meal with the cast, and it had put Kyunghoon in a genuinely fantastic mood, so he’d enthusiastically agreed to keep his promise and go out clubbing. Now however, he was starting to regret his decision. Why was he so nervous? Is it because he hadn’t been clubbing in over five years, or because he was going with Heechul? Should he start drinking already to calm his nerves? He began to make himself more and more stressed as the time ticked by. Eventually he settled on a pair of ripped jeans and a fitted white shirt, which he rolled up to his elbows to make it look a little more casual. He was making some last minute adjustments to his hair when he heard a knock at his front door. He took a deep breath in and out before going to open it. On the other side of the door was Heechul, wearing aqua blue, slim fit trousers and a matching blazer, with a black and white patterned shirt underneath. His previously curly hair had been blowdried and slicked back into a smarter style – he looked so handsome he made Kyunghoon’s heart stop.

“Hi,” he said, smiling with excitement in his eyes, “are you ready to go?”  
“Yeah, I guess,” Kyunghoon stammered, still looking Heechul up and down in awe, “you look great by the way.”  
“Ah thank you Kyunghoonah, you don’t look too bad yourself,” he smirked. And with that Kyunghoon grabbed his wallet, phone and keys from the kitchen table and left with Heechul. In the back of the car he was nervously playing with the brown leather watch on his wrist and staring out of the window.  
“Hey, what’s up with you?” Heechul asked, placing a hand on his thigh, and Kyunghoon nearly jumped out of his skin.  
“Nothing!” he said, far too quickly for it to be convincing, “I guess I’m just a little nervous that’s all.”  
Heechul looked at him with pity, “Kyunghoon if you’re that worried we don’t have to go, it doesn’t matter to me that much.”  
“No no, it’s fine Heechul honestly,” he replied, crossing one leg over the other so that it was out of Heechul’s reach, “I made a promise and I’m happy to keep it, it’s just that I haven’t been clubbing in years so I’m worried I’m going to end up looking like an idiot.”  
Heechul chuckled softly, “Kyunghoon, there’s no need to worry, everyone will be too drunk and having too much fun to be focusing on you. Here,” he took two bottles of soju out of a bag by his feet, “drink this before we get there and you’ll start to feel less worried.”  
Kyunghoon wasn’t a heavy drinker, but he knew it would take quite a bit to loosen him up enough to forget his nerves, so he downed half a bottle in one go (much to Heechul’s amusement), and had finished the rest by the time they reached the club.

Once inside they headed straight to the bar, where they both did several shots, and not long after did Kyunghoon really start to feel the alcohol kicking in. He immediately felt more confident, saying hello to people he recognised, flirting with a few pretty girls, and of course, buying even more drinks. By 1 am he was well and truly drunk; he and Heechul had found themselves a space in the middle of the dance floor and were fully lost in the music. Heechul looked a little more coordinated than Kyunghoon as he swayed his hips to the beat and sang along to the music at the top of his voice, but Kyunghoon got away with his awkwardness by virtue of the fact that he was obviously very intoxicated. Soon, everyone else in around the room seemed to have the same idea as them, and the dance floor quickly filled up, causing them to close the space between them as they danced. As more and more people surrounded them, they were pushed together, almost touching, causing Kyunghoon to quickly snap out of his drunken daze in a panic. He floundered for a moment, unsure of how to move as he was pressed just inches away from Heechul, but the man in front of him took the small space in his stride, placing his hands on Kyunghoon’s hips and pulling him closer still. He was forced to place his hands on Heechul’s arms, but avoided making eye-contact with him. Heechul’s scent overwhelmed him – a mix of floral smells and peaches, with a slightly musky undertone – a mix of masculine and feminine that was Heechul down to a T. He could feel himself getting hotter, but wasn’t sure if it was the air temperature in the club, the hundreds of people surrounding him or Heechul’s firm grip burning through his clothes. He allowed himself to look directly ahead, and saw Heechul smirk at him playfully. He gazed down at Heechul’s plump lips which looked glossy under the reflective lighting above them, and his heart started thumping so hard in his chest he thought he might faint. He needed fresh air and space. Right now.

He grabbed Heechul’s hand and turned towards the back exit of the club where they had gone to get some fresh air earlier in the night. He pushed open the door and let it swing shut behind them, immediately taking several deep breaths of the cold November air, and quickly looking around to check that nobody else was around them. The alleyway was dark and empty, and silent except for the quiet remains of the music still pumping inside the building. Kyunghoon’s ears were ringing, both from the loud music and the blood pumping through his veins at an alarming rate. He turned around and backed Heechul up against the wall behind him, eyes wide with panic at what he was about to do.

“Kyunghoon, what are you-“

But before Heechul could finish, Kyunghoon had cupped his face in both of his hands and pressed his lips firmly against Heechul’s. He took in a deep breath through his nose, as Heechul faltered, frozen in surprise, but it was only a moment later before he started kissing back. Their lips moved against one another forcefully, fuelled by desire and alcohol, but Kyunghoon noticed just how soft Heechul felt against him. It was hot and desperate, and both of them had to pull apart for air, before quickly connecting their lips once more. Kyunghoon felt Heechul smirk against his mouth before grabbing him by the hips and roughly pulling their bodies together. Kyunghoon groaned almost silently at the friction between them as he felt himself getting more turned on by the second. In return he bit Heechul’s bottom lip, before swiping his tongue across the almost punctured skin, at which Heechul moaned and deepened the kiss even further. Heechul’s mouth was warm and inviting, his tongue wet with the taste of soju, and he knew how to use it perfectly. Kyunghoon was getting dizzy – he didn’t know that it was possible to feel this good from kissing alone, and he began to get lost in Heechul as he ran his hands down his firm chest. At that moment Heechul pulled back.  
“Kyunghoonah,” he said, in what was supposed to be a protest, but came out more like a breathy moan.  
Kyunghoon didn’t let him speak, surging forward to capture his lips once more and immediately re-inserting his tongue into Heechul’s mouth. He normally hated kissing, found it awkward and unnecessary, but this felt so addictive, he couldn’t get enough. It was only a few seconds more however before Heechul placed his hands on his chest and firmly pushed him away.

“Kyunghoon, we can’t,” he said firmly, suddenly looking a lot more sober. Kyunghoon was still breathless, and all he could think about were Heechul’s lips.  
“There’s nobody here Heechul, we aren’t going to get caught,” he smirked in an attempt to playfully seduce the man in front of him.  
“No,” Heechul said firmly, “I mean we can’t do any of this Kyunghoon. God, what were you thinking?” he shook his head. Kyunghoon just stared at him, finding it impossible to formulate a sentence.  
“I’m going home. Don’t follow me.” And with that he re-entered the club, leaving Kyunghoon alone and breathless in the dark. He was quickly sobering up, but still confused over what had just happened. He worried about whether he’d made a huge mistake as he thought about how angry Heechul looked when he left. He considered what he would say the next time they saw each other. But most importantly, he thought about the undisputable fact that Heechul had kissed him back.


	9. Tree

“So... Kyunghoon kissed me yesterday.”

 

Donghae looked up from his bowl of noodles, a confused look on his face.

“Min Kyunghoon?” he asked.

“Yes Donghae, which other person called Kyunghoon would it be?”

Donghae shrugged and swallowed the mouthful of food he’d been chewing, “just thought I’d check.”

 

That was such a Donghae response, Heechul thought as he laughed and shook his head. Anyone else would have immediately freaked out, but Donghae was already stuffing more noodles into his mouth, frowning as though he was thinking of what to say next.

 

“I thought you liked Kyunghoon, isn’t it a good thing that he kissed you?”

Heechul frowned, and Donghae stopped eating, tilting his head innocently in confusion at what he’d said wrong.

“That’s your response to this? Not ‘Kyunghoon is gay?’ or ‘oh my god, tell me what happened’?”

Donghae shrugged again, “well I figured you were going to tell me what happened anyway, go ahead.” Heechul appreciated the fact that Donghae wasn’t judging him at that moment, suddenly remembering just why he’d chosen him to confide in of all people.

 

“Well, you know a few weeks ago I told him I’m not straight and...”

“Wait he didn’t know that? But it’s so obvious!” Donghae laughed.  Heechul just glared at him.

“Sorry hyung, I’ll just shut up and eat.”

“Anyway,” Heechul continued, “I thought I’d upset him because he was acting really weird after I told him, but then we met up and talked and he said he was totally fine with it, and that actually he likes men too. I was stunned, but apparently he only figured it out recently after he started to get a crush on some guy he knows. Then we went out clubbing and everything was just normal between us, until he decided to pull me outside the back door of the club and start kissing me.” Heechul was tracing circles on the table as he talked, his mind still spinning from the night before.

 

“Well hyung, it’s obvious you’re the one he has a crush on.” Donghae replied, much more bluntly than Heechul expected.

“Donghae don’t be stupid, it was a thirty second kiss when we were both really drunk. It didn’t mean anything.”

“Are you sure about that hyung?” Donghae asked, “I mean, he finds out you’re not straight and freaks out, then tells you he’s crushing on a guy for the first time ever, then he kisses you?”

Heechul thought for a moment before shaking his head. He had a habit of ignoring information which might make his life more difficult, and in this case one of his best friends and co-workers having feelings for him would certainly make things more difficult.

 

“No I don’t think that’s it. It’s just like when Leeteuk and I have kissed on stage, it’s fun but it doesn’t mean anything.”

Donghae burst out laughing, “hyung, if you’re trying to convince me then that’s a terrible example, we all know it was more than just kissing between you two back in the day.”

Heechul groaned, sitting back in his chair and running his hands through his hair, starting to get frustrated at all of the holes in his own logic.

“Look,” he said, sitting forward again and resting his elbows on Donghae’s kitchen table, “I don’t want to overcomplicate things, I just want to know what you think I should do now.”

Donghae shrugged, standing up to take his empty bowl to the sink, “I would just talk to him. Tell him that it was just a meaningless kiss and you don’t want it to make things awkward between you.”

Heechul rolled his eyes, as though the simplest suggestion in the world was the most stupid, “Donghae you know talking really isn’t my thing.”

“Yeah and that’s why none of your relationships have lasted longer than a few weeks.”

Heechul hated how right he was.

 

“Anyway,” Donghae continued, sitting back down opposite Heechul, “you’re going to do what you want regardless, there’s no point in you even asking me. You might as well just get to the important stuff – is he a good kisser?”

If anyone else had just asked him this Heechul would have likely been ready to start swinging, but this was Donghae, the man Heechul found it impossible to get angry at. He thought back to the night before, and as much as he hated himself for it he actually started to blush, remembering the taste of Kyunghoon, the movement of his tongue, the feeling of his hands gripping desperately at the collar of his shirt...

“He was better than I expected,” Heechul replied, forcing himself to snap out of his daydream before it went any further, “seeing as he apparently doesn’t like kissing. But we were both really drunk so it was a little messy.”

“So you wouldn’t mind kissing him again then?” Donghae smirked.

Heechul sighed, “the chance to kiss him was all I wanted for years, and now it has actually happened I wish I could go back and stop it. The whole thing just makes my life more complicated, and I hate complicated.”

 

In a not so surprising twist Heechul decided to ignore Donghae’s advice and just pretend the whole situation had never happened. He acted no less friendly towards Kyunghoon than he had before, but was careful not to cross the line and encourage anything which might be bubbling below the surface of their relationship. Initially Kyunghoon had been relieved at Heechul’s seemingly normal behaviour; he’d been tearing his hair out worrying about whether it was going to be awkward on set. However, with time he actually wanted to approach the subject, and Heechul would never give him the chance. The thing was, Kyunghoon’s feelings for his friend were now stronger than ever, as though now he’d had a taste of him, he was addicted and needed more. He no longer felt uneasy about the fact that he had a crush on a guy, he just knew he wanted him – his mouth, his body, even his heart, as cheesy as that sounded in his own head. As the weeks passed he began driving himself crazy with just one thought.

 

_He kissed me back. Why did he kiss me back?_

 

Whilst Heechul was making a conscious effort not to pay too much attention to Kyunghoon, the change in him hadn’t gone unnoticed by his band members. Although Kyunghoon came across as carefree and the type not to think too much about anything, he had always been an emotional guy. It was as though his heart was made of glass and the tiniest bit of pressure in the wrong place could make it crack, he along with it. The members had tried to figure out what was going on but Kyunghoon was being unusually unreceptive to their attempts to get anything out of him. However, the whole thing came to a head one night after Kyunghoon had endured a particularly busy week, and went on stage to perform with Buzz already feeling tired and emotional.

 

“Tree” was an emotionally draining song at the best of times, to the extent that Kyunghoon had recently decided to move it to the end of his usual setlist to prevent himself from burning out too early into the concert. He couldn’t help it, as well as requiring a lot of control over his voice, he also had a habit of drifting off into his own world, not thinking of anything or anyone in particular, just all things sad and painful. This time however was different, the moment the song started he felt himself falling into darkness, being consumed by all of the thoughts of Heechul he’d been pushing to the back of his mind over the past few months. All of the big things he loved about him; his sense of humour, his singing voice, his ability to live life on his own terms without caring what others think. But also all the small things; his laugh, the smell of his hand cream, the slight dent in his nose from that one time he tripped in the bathroom. Kyunghoon was now well beyond having a slight crush, he knew that he was in love with Heechul, yet he didn’t want to admit it, because that would mean accepting that his love was unrequited. As he continued to sing he realised that they might have already had their first and last kiss, and that one day they would both be married to other people. Maybe he would always be left wondering ‘what if?’

 

_I want you_

_As pathetic as that makes me_

__

As he reached the last few lines, the tears which had been forming in Kyunghoon’s eyes finally overflowed, and he choked out the last few notes before hiding his head in his hands. The song ended and the crowd cheered but Kyunghoon stayed glued to the spot, totally unable to move. After a few seconds he felt an arm around his shoulder.

 

“Go and sort yourself out backstage,” Sunghee whispered gently, “we’ll talk for a few minutes then you can come back out and sing the last song.” Kyunghoon nodded and wiped away his tears, before turning around and walking off. As he sat backstage trying best to get his emotions under control he could hear his members joking with the crowd.

 

“Ah it seems like our Kyunghoonie is practicing his acting.”

“Yeah he’s getting pretty good! Those tears looked realistic didn’t they?”

“Next thing he won’t just be in variety shows, he’ll be starring in dramas too!”

“Yeah well he hasn’t got much time left if he wants to make a career change; he’s starting to get old.”

 

Kyunghoon laughed at that last part, taking a sip of water and silently gesturing to his stylist to come and fix his smeared makeup. The next thing he knew the crowd were shouting for an encore and he took a few deep breaths before heading back out to finish the show. Afterwards they all headed back to their dressing room in silence, and Kyunghoon immediately started to pack up his belongings. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, he just wanted to go home and sleep, but his members weren’t going to let this slide.

 

“Kyunghoon, come and sit down,” Woohyun said sternly, and Kyunghoon turned around to see the other members all sat in a circle, watching him. He sighed, knowing there was no way of getting out of this, and sat down on the nearest chair.

“Good, now tell us what’s wrong,” he continued.

“Nothing,” Kyunghoon shrugged, “I’m just tired, I think I should just go home and get some rest.”

“Bullshit,” Woohyun interrupted before Kyunghoon could get up and walk away, “you’ve been acting weird for weeks now and tonight you started crying on stage, there’s obviously something going on, will you please tell us what it is?”

“We aren’t angry Kyunghoonah,” Junki said a little more softly, “we just want to help you. We hate seeing you like this.”

 

Kyunghoon’s body obviously wasn’t ready for him to stop crying just yet, as his eyes started to fill with tears, his throat and his chest tightening.

“I can’t tell you,” he said, almost whispering, “I’m sorry but I just can’t.” The other men all stared back at him, their faces all suddenly looking very concerned.

“Why?” asked Woohyun, “Is it something personal? Are you sick or something?”

Kyunghoon shook his head, the tears already starting to fall.

“Are you upset about a girl?” he asked.

Kyunghoon just sighed and looked down at his lap, dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief he’d taken from his pocket.

“Is it a guy?” laughed Sunghee, trying to lighten the mood. The other members frowned at him as if to say he wasn’t helping, but Kyunghoon’s head shot up, his eyes widening in panic as he choked back a sob. He was shaking, struggling to keep his breathing under control.

 

“Kyunghoon?” Sunghee asked, looking confused. Kyunghoon couldn’t hold it in anymore, he broke down, stumbling over his words.

 

“I’m in love with Kim Heechul.”


	10. League of Legends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me a thousand years to update this, I'll finish it eventually!
> 
> I know absolutely nothing about how LoL work so sorry about the lack of detail on that
> 
> Please go and subscribe to Heechul and Kyunghoon's youtube channels: HEEtube and 민경훈TV

The Buzz members spent a long time that evening just listening, as Kyunghoon sat on the floor of their dressing room pouring his heart out. They watched, wincing at the sight of their beloved maknae in so much pain, but none of them quite knowing what to say to make him feel better. So instead they bought him soju and held his hands and let him cry on their shoulders. They took turns visiting him every day over the next week, much to the surprise and confusion of Kyunghoon’s parents. They were trying to build him up so that when it was time for next week’s Knowing Bros shoot he would be able to stand on his own two feet. They couldn’t stand by and watch him crash like he had done after he went solo, especially seeing as back then, none of them were around to help him through it. Sure enough when it came to the day they had all been dreading, Kyunghoon made it through in one piece. He played his part as the cheeky, weird, flirtatious maknae, then went home and drank until he passed out. This was the way things continued for weeks – every time Heechul held his hand or hugged him he ignored the sharp stabbing sensation in his chest and the tightening of his throat, simply smiling back as he had done way back before those actions would have meant anything to him. It was hard, but thanks to the support of his members who made sure to check in on him as often as married life would allow, he slowly started to get better.

He managed to cut back on his drinking, instead distracting himself with a few hours of gaming per night, often online with Junki or Tei (but never Heechul). The dreams of Heechul which had haunted him over the past few months became less and less frequent, and, after a while, he even started dating a pretty young accountant by the name of Jung Jihyo. She of course meant nothing to him in comparison to the love he felt for his hyung, but they liked the same books and music, she was funny and caring, plus he was grateful to no longer be sleeping alone. 

Heechul largely forgot about the incident at the night club, apart from one occasion when the topic of first kisses was brought up during filming and he caught Kyunghoon slyly watching him before quickly turning away. The memory of Kyunghoon’s lips on his came flooding back and he shuddered involuntarily, the hairs on his arms standing on end. He wondered whether he should have taken the time to talk to Kyunghoon about what had happened, whether it really was just a meaningless kiss or if it had been something more than that. Was that why Kyunghoon had been spending so little time with him lately? Or was he really busy seeing other people like he’d said?

Heechul got his answer, partially at least, when one week during filming, the talk turned to relationships and Kyunghoon accidentally let slip the fact that he was now in one.   
All he said was “my girlfriend,” before he froze, his eyes widening and his ears turning deep crimson as he was met with a chorus of whooping from his hyungs.

“Please cut that out, I haven’t told my agency yet,” he begged one of the producers, who simply nodded; he’d dealt with enough angry managers and fans to know what was best in these situations. 

Of course after they called cut for their lunch break he was thoroughly interrogated by everyone in the room, Youngchul hugging him from behind and Janghoon cupping his face as they both declared how happy they were for him. He explained that he hadn’t mentioned it because it was still early days, but that she was a non-celebrity, and younger than him, a change from his usual relationships. Heechul watched him, trying to figure out exactly what Kyunghoon was feeling. He was smiling, but something looked... off. Heechul knew what Kyunghoon looked like when he was genuinely happy, and this wasn’t it. He must have been staring for a little too long, because Hodong snapped his fingers in front of his face.

“Yah Heechul! The cameras aren’t rolling anymore, you don’t have to pretend to be jealous! Congratulate your dongsaeng!”

“What do you mean? Of course I’m happy for him,” Heechul snapped, a little too defensive, “congratulations Kyunghoon, I’m sure she’s lovely.”

Kyunghoon glanced at him and gave a quick smile, before mumbling his thanks and playing with the cuffs of his shirt.

At the end of shooting Kyunghoon stayed behind to help the staff clean up the set a little, as he always did, but this week Heechul decided to hang around with him. Silently they stacked up the chairs and mopped up spilled water, then when Kyunghoon made his way back towards the waiting rooms, Heechul followed him.

“Hey Kyunghoon, have any plans tonight?” Heechul said cheerfully.

“Nope, not tonight,” Kyunghoon replied, not looking at Heechul.

“Are you not seeing your girlfriend?” Heechul laughed.

“No, if you must know I’m seeing her at the weekend.” 

An awkward silence then settled between them as they walked.

“Kyunghoon,” Heechul started sheepishly, “if you don’t mind me asking, what happened to that guy you liked?”

He could sense Kyunghoon tense up beside him, but he replied calmly, “nothing, I guess he didn’t feel the same way.”

“Ah I’m sorry Kyunghoon,” Heechul sighed, reaching to place a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but Kyunghoon pulled his arm away and walked a little faster.

“Don’t be,” he said, “I think it would have been too complicated anyway,” and with that they reached Kyunghoon’s dressing room, where he quickly entered and shut the door behind him. Heechul stood in the silent corridor staring at the door in front of him, feeling confused. He wanted to barge in and persuade Kyunghoon into telling him all about who this guy was, he must be mad not to like someone like Kyunghoon! But his sense of judgment kicked in and he decided to leave it and go home.

Later that evening he was sat in a bar with Gunhee, swirling a beer bottle in his hand but not actually drinking any of it, he felt upset and wasn’t sure why. His friend had been staring at him from across the table for a good five minutes, waiting for him to finally snap out of his daydream and talk to him, but he was still in a world of his own.

“Yah!” he eventually shouted, slamming his fist on the table.

“What are you doing?!” Heechul snapped back, before taking a sip of his beer and rolling his eyes.

“I thought you wanted to hang out and talk? We haven’t exactly done much talking since we got here, what’s wrong with you?”

Heechul sighed, “I don’t know, it’s been a bit of a weird day that’s all.”

“Why?” frowned Gunhee, “did Hodong hit you or something?”

“No, not today,” Heechul laughed, “actually I found out Kyunghoon has a girlfriend.”

“Oh cool,” replied Gunhee, “is it anyone we know?”

“No, she’s a non-celebrity apparently,” Heechul said, looking down at the beer bottle in his hands.

“So why’s that weird?”

“I don’t know, I might just be reading into it too much but he just didn’t look happy, I’m worried about him,” Heechul frowned.

“Why?” laughed Gunhee, “he’s a grown man, he can take care of himself Heechul.”

“I know that...” Heechul paused for a second, “but I care about him. He doesn’t have many friends to check up on him and he’s not the type to tell anyone if something’s bothering him.”

“So why didn’t you just ask him if he’s okay?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t really think it was my place, things have been kind of off between us since we kissed...”

“Since you what?!”

Heechul froze, his eyes widening. He had completely forgotten that he had decided against telling Gunhee that part of the story. Gunhee just stared back at him, seemingly waiting for Heechul to expand on what he’d just said.

Heechul took in a deep breath, “look I didn’t tell you because we both know how nosy and interfering you can be! You would have read into it too much and caused trouble between us when really it was nothing.”

Gunhee folded his arms and sat back in his chair, “I’m insulted Heechul, I thought we were best friends! Plus by the sounds of it, it has already caused trouble between the two of you!”

Heechul took a sip of his drink in silence.

“Yeah okay maybe you’re right,” he said, “but if I’m going to tell you the story we’re going to need some stronger drinks.”

A couple of hours and several shots of tequila later, a heavily intoxicated Heechul was reaching the end of the story about what had happened at the night club.  
Slurring his words he finished with, “and that’s that. He’s been all weird with me ever since then and I can’t ask him about it because I’ve left it too long and so... there.”

“Heechul,” sighed Gunhee, “you can be an idiot at times, you know that?”

Heechul huffed like a child and took another shot, wincing as it burned the back of his throat.

“Are you sure you don’t still have a crush on him and you’re just jealous he’s dating someone else?”

“No!” Heechul replied, dragging out the word in his drunken state, “I don’t like him like that. I just don’t get how he could just kiss me like that then act like nothing happened.”

“Heechul you’re the one who ran away then refused to talk to him about it!”

“Hmmm you’re right I guess,” Heechul folded his arms and dropped his head on top of them, “I just want my friend back. I miss playing games with him and watching films together and eating chicken and listening to him sing.”

“Come on Heechul,” Gunhee stood up, pulling his friend up by the hand, “I think it’s time you went home.”

“No I want to go to a noraebang first.”

So they found the nearest coin karaoke room and had fun screaming along to all of their favourites, before Heechul spotted his duet in the list and pressed play. He only made it halfway through the first verse of Sweet Dream before he burst into tears and Gunhee had to carry him home. The next morning he remembered nothing.

A few days later Kyunghoon was in the middle of a particularly fast paced League of Legends session with Tei when he saw the notification pop up in the corner of the screen – Heechul was online. He sighed, he’d been enjoying himself so much he hadn’t thought about Heechul at all for the past hour, Tei’s childish banter and impressive gaming skills had offered him a welcome break from his usual torment.

“What should I do hyung?” Kyunghoon mumbled through the microphone on his headset.

“Do about what?” Tei asked, clearly too engrossed in the game to notice Heechul logging on.

“Heechul just came online, should I invite him to join us?”

“Yeah sure, if he says anything to upset you I’ll kick his ass.”

“Hyung that’s not going to help is it?”

“Kyunghoon I’m joking, besides if I cause any more problems between the two of you I’ll just have to spend more time babysitting you and I don’t have time for that.”  
Kyunghoon rolled his eyes and invited Heechul to join them.

“Hey Kyunghoon-ah! How are you? It’s been ages since we’ve played together.”

“Hi Heechul-ssi!” Tei quickly interrupted.

“Oh, hi Tei-ssi,” Heechul replied, his voice softening, “I didn’t realise you were online too...”

Heechul had been hoping for a chance to talk to Kyunghoon alone but it looked like that wasn’t going to happen. In fact they didn’t really talk much at all other than exchanging tactics as they played, but he was enjoying hearing Kyunghoon’s voice; the cute little “yes!” he shouted every time they made some progress and his childish whining whenever they lost. After some time Kyunghoon’s phone rang beside him and he told the others he’d have to pause for a moment.

“Why, is it your girlfriend?” Heechul laughed without thinking, and an awkward silence fell between them.

“I don’t think that’s really any of your business is it Heechul?” Tei eventually said, a little too defensively.

Heechul frowned to himself, “Why not? We’re best friends, we tell each other everything.”

“Ha! Best friends? Yeah you’ve been a great friend recently!”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Kyunghoon began to shake as his heart hammered in his chest, he knew this had been a bad idea.

“Both of you shut up!” he snapped, “it was my manager calling actually, but now I’ll have to ring him back. Can we all just go back to how things used to be, I’m tired of all of this, I can’t take it anymore.”

There was silence in his headphones for a while before Tei softly replied, “of course Kyunghoon, I’m really sorry.”

Heechul didn’t know exactly what Kyunghoon meant by ‘how things used to be’ but he apologised anyway and things fell silent once again. He had a gut feeling that maybe this was his fault somehow, so he wracked his brains for a way to lighten the mood. His variety instincts took over, as the first thing that came into his head was to do an impression. In an over-exaggerated husky voice he sang 

“Gasum aphaso mogi meyoso anganhimul sobwado”

the opening line of Tei’s most famous song. The silence continued for a moment before Tei began cracking up and Kyunghoon quickly followed.

“Hey this isn’t X-man you know!” he said in between fits of laughter.

Heechul’s plan worked and he and Tei spent the rest of the evening reminiscing over the embarrassing things Kang Hodong forced them into doing for the sake of entertainment way back in 2006. Kyunghoon’s heart rate finally returned to normal and he smiled to himself, just enjoying listening to his two friends getting along. His heart still skipped a beat every time Heechul said his name, but it was now felt more of a light flutter than a painful strain against his ribcage. He wasn’t sure how long it was going to take to get over Heechul, but at least this was a start.


End file.
